Going Back to School?

I am seriously thinking about going back to school. I am in my 30's with no real education; no bank-ability; no little abbreviated letters behind my name that say "I am worth something in the work world." But there is no money and I just hate going into debt for anything. Right now, we have a $3000 balance on a no interest credit card and it haunts me everyday.

I've thought about this intently for the past week and there are two things that really interest me: accounting and the travel industry. I would love to work for a travel agency, but a degree in accounting would give me more job possibilities. I would be okay with either one. The problem is that I would have to do online courses since going to school full-time isn't a possibility right now. And I am okay with that too.

I just worry. It's what I do. I worry about not liking the courses. I worry about making the wrong choice in my vocation. I worry about completing the program. I worry about getting overwhelmed and quitting the program. It's what I did 11 years ago when I was in school and engaged and working full time. I couldn't handle it and stopped going to school. It's still my biggest regret. I don't want to do that again, but now that I am a mom and have a household to run, and do the accounting for my husband's business, and volunteer, etc, etc, I worry that I am just going to get overwhelmed again and end up having to quit. One of my biggest faults is that I am easily overwhelmed. I can't handle a lot and get stressed out easily. I want to complete my schooling seeing how my kids are getting older and I am eventually going to have to get a job. I just worry about it all. It's what I do.

Decisions, Decisions

We have a choice to make and I'm not quite sure what to do. My husband just finished a job and we just got paid and we could either:

• 1) Be practical and save it (but where's the fun in that?);
• 2) Buy a used 4-wheeler (a life-long dream of my husband's);
• 3) Go on a cruise (which is something that I really want to do since our marriage is now on the mends and I want to start making new, good memories with him); or
• 4) Put it towards our credit card bill and cut that in half (ugh, again with the practicality).

It's not a whole bunch of money, but it not something that comes around very often. I'm leaning toward the cruise, but that only lasts a week whereas the 4-wheeler could be used for years to come. I just like to go on trips and escape my doldrum life. I'm selfish like that. But both of those things are wants, not needs. Saving for later or paying off the credit card is a need. It just doesn't seem as fun. And I like fun. And being unpractical sounds nice when all I ever am is practical.

Here's My List, Check it Twice

To my Dear Husband,
Will you please just do me a favor this year and just stick to the list that I give you? All I really want are some more scented candles (it helps to eradicate the stench you and the dog bring in after you go hunting - and it makes people think I actually cook), tickets to the show that is coming to town, and a new piano songbook. That's all. I don't need some big gift that "is going to make my life easier." Well, unless that thing is a maid. Or a Naked Chef. I hate having to act like what you got me, instead of what I really wanted, is some grand and fabulous thing that I couldn't live without. And that you are some great and manly man for coming up with this amazing gift. IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED! I don't mean to sound ungrateful; I just want simple things that I know I like. So please just do us both a favor and stick to the list.
--Your Wife
P.S. And I definitely don't need an avocado peeler so please just stop asking me if that's what I want.

I'm Offically the Grinch

Why is it that we are suppose to like Christmas. Frankly, it's my least favorite holiday of the year. Sure, there are good things that happen like kindness and gift-giving, but why can't that stuff happen in April or August. Christmas is just too much stress and pressure for me and I just don't like it. I'm the one who has to buy the presents for everyone: the kids; my family; his family. I'm the one who has to take care of the bills and the money. I'm the one who feels bad when I can only afford to get someone a $10 gift instead of a $20 one and I have to see their reaction of "Oh, how nice." I'm the one who has to wrap all of those dumb presents. I'm the one who has to write all of those blasted Christmas cards, address them, lick the nasty glue, and then mail them. I'm the one who has to come up with cute ideas to give to neighbors and then bake all that crap, which I really hate doing. It makes my kitchen messy and stresses me out. I just don't like any of it.

Why isn't it okay to not like Christmas? There are people who don't like Halloween and they don't get called names or looked down on. So what's the difference with Christmas? Why am I suppose to like doing all of this stuff when all I see it is as is a hassle and stressful? The only part I really like about Christmas is decorating the tree and seeing the kid's excitement when they open their few presents. Everything else is just a pain in my side that I just wish I could skip. I think I just might skip the cards and neighbor gifts this year. And I probably won't care one bit. Maybe, just maybe, my heart is 3 sizes too small.

Panic

My mom emailed me today. She said that due to medical problems - which she has a lot of - she is out of work and may be out of work for several months. She won't have any income either. So she asked if next month if she could come and visit. For a really long time. Or at least a couple of weeks. In my world, that is a really long time. Entirely too long. How in the world do I politely say, "Um, not a chance in the devil's lair." I like my mom. I like her 2 states, 1 layover, and over 800 miles away.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to go burn my house down so I have a legitimate excuse to say she can't come.

United Airlines is the Worst Airline

I am so unbelievably mad right now that I could just hit somebody. Preferably anyone who works at United Airlines. I had booked a ticket several months ago for a trip out East. It was a stellar deal and it only cost me $167 round trip with fees and everything. I was beyond excited. I was suppose to go this weekend, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I can't go. I checked the United website and it said that if you don't make your flight, the money spent for that flight is given as a credit to the next flight that you book. I figured that was fair and right and it made made feel better about not going.

So I called United to find out how it works to get my credit applied. After talking to the world's most illiterate computer for 15 minutes, I finally got to talk to a human. Who speaks English just about as well as a 2 week old baby. For the love, my little daughter speaks better than this person did. I could hardly understand what they were saying. But I did get the gist of what they were saying: Yes, I have $167 credit, BUT THEY CHARGE A $150 CHANGE FEE TO BOOK MY NEXT FLIGHT!!!! I am freakin' livid!!! So basically, I have a $17 credit. I can't even check a bag for that. Idiots.

And to put the giant pickle on the crap sandwich, I had booked it through Expedia and after contacting them, they informed me that they also charge a fee. Of $30. Perfect. So if I want to book a new flight using the $167 credit I already paid to United, it's gonna cost me $180. Tell me how that is fair!?!! I WILL NEVER BOOK A FLIGHT WITH UNITED AGAIN - no matter how cheap the airfare is. Uggghhhh, I need to go punch something.

Joining the Ranks

Man, these past few weeks have been tough. I'm still here though. Even though the thought of killing myself and/or killing my husband have been very tempting in the past little while. Not in a teenager suicidal sort of way; just a this-is-a-lot-to-handle-and-I-want-it-all-to-go-away sort of way. And at times, I fully believed my husband deserved to die. Or at least get a really good kick in the nuts.

Counseling has been helping a lot. We are going together and separately on a weekly basis so we single-handidly supporting the therapist. And pretty much starving our children. But we are getting by. When I went this week to my individual appointment, the therapist said that since I am dealing with so much and am depressed about it (I'm still trying to accept that), that she wants me on medication. I'm still resistant to it, but am getting closer to accepting it. There are just so many thoughts in my head about it - many of which I will keep to myself because I don't want to offend anybody out there - so I don't know what to do about it. I know it will help and will make a difference and all of that, but I still just worry about it. I went through the exact same thing before I put my daughter on ADHD medication. Now, I can hardly stand her when she doesn't take it. (There's "Mom of the Year" for ya'.)

The good thing about it is that I've heard that it's an appetite suppressant so maybe if I do decide to start taking it at least I will be able to drop those last 10 pounds that have been haunting me. That will be a bonus. And another part of me will just be happy to have something to help me "take the easy way out" of this situation, if that makes any sense. Because the other "easy way outs of this situation" are just not feasible: suicide, putting a hit out on my husband, divorce. Or just plain kicking him in the nuts really hard. That last one is unbelievably tempting most days though.

What a Load of Crap

It may be because I am going though a difficult time right now, but I am having a hard time reading other people's regular blogs and all about how damn "happy" they are. What a load of crap! No body is that freakin' happy and blissful all of the time. Which is why I come here and let my true self out....

Even though my regular blog is private, I do let some outbursts out. Nothing along the lines of what I am dealing with right now because I seriously do not need my friends and family to know what is going on behind these walls. But even then, I do let a little more of my "true" self out in the blog than some people and their stupid happy blogs. I find it annoying and so I read very few of them. But even my friends and family can annoy me sometimes with how all happy they are. Or at least convey to be.

But I am having a hard time writing anything on my regular blog right now. Even the good things or good times. And then I get hounded by people asking why I am not updating my blog. Well, it's because my life sucks right now and am going through something wildly difficult and unimaginable and am having a bit of a hard time finding the joy in all of this.

I'm just going to go sit under my little black rain cloud now. I kinda like it there....

5 Stages

I really feel as if I am going through the 5 stages of grief with this whole sex addiction thing. At first it was denial; that was quite obvious in my last post. Then came the anger. Raging, I-want-to-bash-his-face-in anger. Even thought about just blowing it all off, gathering up the kids from school and moving out. Tell the kids we are going on a little trip and get to stay in a hotel for awhile and then serve the bastard with divorce papers before he even got home from work. Good thing that passed over quickly. Me and rage are not a good combination. I think I must be in the bargaining/depression stage at this point. I am thinking that we may be able to work through this, as long as he gets help. That'll be tricky though; first he has to admit there is a problem. And that is not going to go over well, I think. I made the appointment for a marriage counselor for the beginning of next week and just told him that we are going. End of story. His response? "Well, if that's what you need." AHHHHHHHHHH, I think I may have regressed back to anger for a little bit longer.

And now, I'm just sad. Sad over having to deal with this. Sad over the way I have been treated for all of these years. Sad over how the future is going to be for us; how rocky and unimaginably hellish it's going to be. Unhopeful. Scared. Discouraged. I guess the therapist wasn't too far off with her diagnosis of depression. Haven't quite fully accepted it, but getting there.

The frustrating thing is, is that he really doesn't think he has a problem. That what he does is "normal." I really don't know what is normal or not anymore. I know this may sound a little odd to everyone, but I kinda just wish that it was just a porn addiction. That is something tangible and he would know that what he does is wrong and I could put a lot of blame onto that. But sex addiction is different. He does things to me that I don't like. Makes me have sex with him because he "needs" it. But it's never enough for him; he's always itching for more. No wonder why I feel like I am never good enough. As of late, I just do it to shut him up and then go into the bathroom and just silently cry. And then I blame him, not some arbitrary naked chick on a nasty website like with a porn addiction.

Some days are good, and some are bad. There are days when I could easily castrate him and not think twice about it and then other days when I actually like him. It's so back and forth and such a hard struggle. This is not going to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if it will even be worth it, and other times when I want it to get better because deep down, there is some small, tiny inkling of love still left for him. He is so good to me in all other aspects of our marriage. It's just this one dark spot that is beginning to overtake all of the good. I just want it to be good again because I am not ready to destroy this marriage and family just yet. As long as he is willing to get help. And as they say, Only time will tell....

Confusion

It's been a hard week for me. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the labels of "depression" and "sex addict." And with the up and down week that I've had, I am having a hard time accepting those terms and am wondering how accurate they really are. I don't see myself as "depressed." I've seen those commercials for depression medication of the people who are depressed and who can't get out of bed, cry uncontrollable, and who just sit and watch their life go by. I'm not like that. I'm not the one sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the rain fall outside; I'm the one who is out in the rain playing in the puddles with my kids. I don't have a hard time getting out of bed; I hardly cry; I'm not sitting around watching my life go by. I'm living it. So I don't see myself as depressed.

I do think that I am cynical though and a bit bored with my life. I do feel stuck in my life as a stay at home mom. But I know that will pass. I don't know when, and that tends to pull me down a bit, but not down to the depths of depression where I feel all hopeless and miserable. I've always been a "glass-half-empty" kinda girl; no matter which way I look at that glass, it's always going to be half-empty to me. So I know that my outlook on life is pessimistic, but I don't know if I would use the term: depressed. It's all very confusing for me.

I'm also confused on the status of my marriage with my husband and the term sex addict. Maybe I was wrong in all of it. Maybe the problem does lie with me and not my husband. I just don't know. He has been quite nice to me these past few days and things have been going well between us. So maybe it is just my perception of him and our marriage. It goes back to that glass-half-empty thing where I just see things in a negative light. Maybe he was right in all of this and the problems are all mine and not him. I just don't know. Maybe our marriage isn't as bad as I thought it was. Maybe he's not a sex addict and he's just a guy. Maybe the problems do lie with me and I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was. Maybe I do just need the therapy and we don't really need marriage counseling.

Nothing makes sense to me right now. And I'm so confused on everything now.

How It Went

I went to the therapist this week and it went really well. I was so nervous and jittery before I went because I was worried about what to say to her, if I would like her, if I was really help-able and if she could really help me. She was so good and understanding and helpful. I think the sessions are going to go well and that she will be able to help me.

Some surprising things came out in the session that I didn't see coming: the first being that I have moderate depression - that is borderline severe. I never saw myself as that way; I just figured that I was having trouble dealing and coping with all that is being thrown at me. I don't want to take the medication route yet; I just don't think it's for me. And especially with what Constance the First has said about starting her medication and with what my mom has told me about trying to get off the medication, I'm not quite sure that I would want to go through that. I know what people are going to say: it's so worth it and makes a difference, but for me I would like to attack this with the therapy and learn how to deal with the situation better rather than just turning to medication. I hope that I don't offend anyone by saying that; I know it works for many people, I'm just not ready to try it yet.

The other very surprising thing that my therapist said was that she thinks that my husband has a sex addiction. We talked about it a lot and I just thought the things that he did were just because "he's a guy;" that's what men do and the problem lies with me. But it's not that way at all. When I started putting my foot down and saying no to some of the stuff that he was doing to me, the marriage started to fall apart. I thought it was my fault. It was such a relief to know that it's not that way at all. I know that I am at fault with some things, but not in this department. She wants me to talk to him about it, but that is going to be a little tricky. I still haven't told him yet that I am seeing a therapist. So I can imagine the conversation is going to go something like this:

Me: Hey Husband, my new friend that I pay to talk to thinks you may have a sex addiction.
Him: I think your new friend is demented and delusional.
Me: That's funny. She thinks the same about you.

So now, this problem has just become a lot more complicated. It's not just me not dealing well with life, it's depression, sex addiction, and a failing marriage. Somehow, I have to figure out how to convince him to go to marriage counseling and then maybe even some counseling for him. That's not going to go over well. And the fact that the therapist wants to see me once a week along with marriage counseling, I'm not sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it all. I'm not ready to let this marriage fall by the wayside and I want to fight for it, so I will do what I can and try to make the money work. And now, I am actually looking forward to my appointment next week.

I Made the Appointment

I made an appointment with the therapist for this week. I'm nervous to go, but I think it will be good. I haven't told my husband about yet because I know he would just be mad over the money. But this is something that I need and will benefit from and will just have to deal with the repercussions later. Especially the financial ones. The money really isn't there, but that's just something I will have to work with. I also wish that he would go to marriage counseling too with me but he doesn't think that we need it. I think that's just silly. We are not working well together and he thinks that it's just me that is the problem. I have problems - know that, but it's not all me. I want to work it out and fall in love with him again. Right now, I would just settle for liking him.

A Volcano of Rage

My husband is such a blazing idiot. I so want to deck him right now. And over the stupidest thing too: his cell phone. But it's not just his cell phone, it's what a blazing idiot he is about the cell phone. Here's the deal: He goes through a new cell phone about every year and a half; he's hard on them. I get that by now and it's fine. So he broke his today and needed to go get a new one. I knew as soon as he said that that I was in trouble.

He went and bought a new one. A $250 new one!!!! And normally that wouldn't be a big deal. Except for the fact that I just told him the other day that we are $600 short this month and I don't know how we are going to pay for everything. And Christmas is coming up really fast and we have kids that actually like that holiday and want stuff. I really don't know how we are going to pay for it.

And to put the cherry on top, one of the offices that he works for dropped him this past week. (He is self-employed and works at several different businesses). That was $1000 that we are used to that is no longer going to be there every month. Chalk it up to the recession. That is a big hit to our finances. But apparently, he didn't get that message and went and spent half of our gasoline budget for a month on a stupid new cell phone.

To make it worse, he got the high end, super high tech one that has a full keyboard and can apparently do so many things that he just couldn't live without it. Too bad I can't program it to smack him upside his head. But here's the kicker: he doesn't even know how to text, nor does he even have an email address; he's not very technically inclined (as it is, he is over there on the couch trying to figure out how to use the fast forward button on the new remote to the DVD player). He said that he would just use my email address. Whatever, craphead. I really don't want to have to sift through all of your work crap to get to the good emails from my friends.

I know, I know, I can just set him up on his own account. But I'm not going to. You wanna know why? Not because I am the angry, evil bitch of a wife, but because he didn't want to have to pay extra to have internet service on the phone so he only has it free for one month because he "knows we don't have the money". As it stands, our cell phone bill is already over a hundred bucks a month. But he said that he would use it for that month. Well, there you go. That totally makes up for the $250 that we don't have. Idiot.

But secretly, I am glad that he didn't sign up for the internet service for one simple reason: porn. I am worried that if he has access to that that I don't have the ability to filter that he will become addicted to it again. And frankly, our marriage couldn't handle that level of mistrust again. It's still - and always - in the back of my mind. But that is a whole 'nother post for another day.

I just wish that he could see that we don't have that kind of money for that damn cell phone right now. Food and gas seem a little more important than a fancy schmancy phone, that basically is only really gonna do cool stuff - that you don't know how to use - for a month and then, you'll be stuck with just a regular ol' cell phone that just does boring stuff, like make phone calls. You know, he has lived with "just phone calls" for years and years now, it just seems asinine to drop all that money for the damn thing that he'll just break in a year and a half anyway.

Besides, that $250 could have easily paid for two months of the therapy that I sure as hell need more than ever now. But that isn't as important apparently as having a full keyboard and emailing for an entire month. He is such a blazing idiot.

I Wish

I have been having trouble lately and a friend of mine recommended a good therapist that she and her husband went and saw last year. I would like to go and see her and have someone to talk to in a safe environment and to have someone help me with what's going on in my life right now. But we don't have the money. Not even close to what it would cost to even see her once a month. And of course, our lousy insurance won't cover "mental health" issues. Great. So my heart is beating just fine, but my brain is going crazy. And there is nothing I can do to help it. It's not the kind of situation that I could just talk to my friends about; it's something much more personal than that or care to share with someone I know outside of a safe office. I want to go see a therapist to help me work through it; to get a professional, new perspective on it and give me ways to help solve it. But we are stuck in the land of "barely-making-it" and having an extra expense just isn't the best thing right now.

Besides, I think the idea of me going to a therapist is more than my husband can handle. I've always been able to solve problems on my own and able to survive and get by. But this is bothering me way too much and too difficult for me to solve on my own. So the fact that, if I do go, I would have to hide it from my husband - for at least a while until I feel safe and comfortable enough to tell him - is scary to me. I don't want to have to keep this kind of secret from him, but at the same time, I don't want to continue in pain and anguish and try to hide it from everyone. I guess either way I am keeping a secret from him; it's just easier to hide the pain and sorrow than it is to hide the credit card bill.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you are so angry with your child that you want to hurt them? I've blogged about my middle daughter before and how incredibly difficult she is and today is a day that it is taking every ounce of restrain to not lash out at her and make her feel as miserable as miserable as she is making me right now. I can't stand her right now and I wish that she wasn't my child. I think it's official: I win the "Worst Mother of the Year" award. I should just go ahead and make it the "Worst Mother of the Century;" it's that bad today. Bedtime cannot get here fast enough tonight. I wonder how bad it would be to just move the clocks ahead a few hours just so that it will get here faster. I just don't want to be a mother right now and am wondering why in the hell I had kids in the first place.

Job Search

Several months ago, I applied for two jobs at two different airlines because I really want to get free airfare and because I love planning out trips for people. I am on the waiting list for both of them, but was told if I don't hear anything by December, to reapply, if the job is relisted. So I have been waiting. And waiting. And have heard nothing yet. But I am still holding out hope that my number could come up and I could finally get a job that I really want.

During this time, I have talked with two people who work for the company and they have said they would see what they could find out. One lady that I met with even said that she knows one of the CEO's of the company. I thought, "Excellent!" I have since called this lady that I know twice and both times she has told me that she would find out and call me right back. She never has.

The other girl that works for this company is my husband's cousin. I talked with her recently and she said that she would call her supervisor and see if she could find out where my application is in the process. I waited for her to email me back. And she never did. So I emailed her last week. I still haven't heard anything back from her.

It makes me frustrated that these people say that they are going to help me out, but haven't. It would even be better if they just let me know they tried and couldn't find anything out. Even if they were lying.

Seeing how my husbands work is slowing down and wretched Christmas is coming up, I am starting to panic about money. I think that maybe I should go out and get a part time job since my youngest is at preschool now but I worry that once I do, one of these other jobs that I really want is going to become available. But at the same time, I also don't want to go out and just get a job that I am settling for. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years now and really want to do something that I want to do, not something that is just there. But the problem is that since I was stupid and got married so young and dropped out of college, I have no real job skills to do anything. Other than doing a $9 an hour airline job. But that's what I really want and don't care so much that it doesn't pay very much.

I'm also scared that I won't be very good at any job since I haven't had one in over 10 years. Failure scares the snot out of me so, as stupid as it sounds, I would rather not try something at all rather than try and fail.

There is also another job listed at a travel agency that I have considered that I think I would like. But again, I am worried that if I get it, the airline job would become available and I would much rather do that. And as sad and selfish as it sounds, working for the travel agency won't give me very many travel benefits and definitely not any free airfare which is a huge thing. It doesn't matter if I get free hotels in England if it costs me $1000 to get there.

I hate not knowing if there is a possibility that I could get a job with the airlines. It's holding me back from applying for other jobs that would at least bring in a paycheck. I just don't know what to do.

Why Bother?

I'm not much of a great cook. I know that. But I can still put a meal together that is edible by most starving humans. Except for my own kids and husband. I try to do my mom-ly duties and make good, nutritious dinners, but there is always someone who doesn't like the cheese. Or the mushrooms. Or the green beans. Fine. Just pick that stuff out and eat it anyway. But they won't. They just turn their little noses up to it and will eat bread for dinner.

There are a few dishes that everyone likes, but that is rare. So I tend to make those things as much as possible. And do my best to ignore the comments of, "This again?" or "I'm so tired of having this." and remember that they are at least eating something.

At least once a week, I try to do everyone a favor by making something new. Nothing disgusting mind you like caviar or liver. But just something that I haven't made before. Only to be greeted with faces that looked like they just smelled a week old dead fish.

It makes me feel so good.

So I am starting to think, "Why bother? If no one likes what I make, or cares if I don't, then I save myself the hassle and disappointment and not cook at all." Then I feel guilty for not making dinner for my poor hungry kids.

I wonder how many days in a row you can feed your kids macaroni and cheese before it's considered child abuse?

Emotions of a Grown-Up Mom

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place so bear with me. This just isn't something that I could post on my regular blog; I don't need all of my friends and family knowing I'm a crazy person.

My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.

I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.

I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.

I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.

I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.

And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.

Good Influence or Getting into Trouble

There's this kid in our neighborhood who makes my difficult ADHD/ODD child look like an angel. I'll call him "Chris." He is so awful that while I was gone on a trip, he took my other daughter's favorite -and rather sad- little blanket and ripped it in two. All I could say was that it was a good thing that I was on another continent when that happened because I would've fried him.

The thing is is that he is friends with my son. My son could be classified as a "good kid' - does what he is asked, never much of a problem maker, does his homework and chores without complaint; things like that. I really can't stand it when "Chris" comes over to play but sometimes, my son has no one else to play with and they tend to have fun together. But he is a bad influence and does naughty things that my son would never come up with on his own. I wish my son wouldn't play with him.

My husband thinks that I should let them play together because he thinks that my son could be a good influence on "Chris." That's all fine and good, but I am more worried about "Chris" being a bad influence on my son - especially as they get older. There have been a few times already when my son has come back from playing and told me that "Chris" did this and this, but he didn't do it; he just stood back. I'm worried about the day when my son gives into peer pressure and wants to fit in and this is the type of kid he fits in with. I don't want my son to end up anything like this kid because he is on a slippery slope that just ends in muck.

But at the same time, I don't know how to tell "Chris" to not come around anymore and not play with my son because then I just come off as the snooty mom who won't let her kid play with anyone. And my son is sad that he has no one to play with. I'd really like to think that my son would be the better influence and keep "Chris" out of trouble, but I just don't see that happening. I see it the other way around and it worries me.

Come and Get Her!

When I agree to let your obnoxious, whiny kid come over and play with my kid for a few hours and I say "Pick her up around 3:00 or 3:30," I mean closer to 3:00, not 4:15!!!!!

Here's some money. Go buy a watch. Or at least a clock.

And for future reference, if you're gonna leave her this long so you can do "just one more errand," I charge a babysitting fee of $5 an hour.

I J D G I!

I am quite tired of people who have the insatiable desire to shorten everything down to just letters. And I'm suppose to be on the same wavelength to try and decipher whatever the hell it means. I Just Don't Get It! Use words for heaven's sake!

I'm a regular person, not a Code Talker. Nor am I 16.

Or a psychic.

Or a mind reader.

If I were, I would totally use my special powers for other things than deciphering a lazy persons puzzles. Like when the next terrorist attack is going to be.

Or what was my husband thinking when he bought that Hawaiian shirt? He's just much too white - and blond - to pull that off.

I can tolerate the whole, "When R U going 2 B here?" abbreviation thing. But not, ICW2SYT (I can't wait to see you tomorrow). I'm much too old and impatient to sit there and try and figure out what the crap they are talking about. No wonder why teenagers are getting dumber and dumber. None of them know how to spell anymore.

And don't even get me started on punctuation.

Do You Remember Being in Love?

I went to a wedding this weekend. My husband couldn't come because he had to work. So I sat there, alone, with my kids, just feeling lonely and sad. Here was this brand new husband and wife so in love with stars in their eyes, surrounded by other people so in love.

I still love my husband, but I am having a hard time feeling like I am in love with him. Does that make any sense? I miss that twiterpatted, can't keep your hands off of each other, I-miss-you-so-much-when-are-you-going-to-be-home? feeling.

Now, I much prefer him working late just so I can have a few moments of peace without any pressure of having to put out tonight.

I miss the days of just walking hand in hand talking about nothing, but just happy to be next to him. Or falling asleep in his arms watching a movie at home. Or waking up just a couple of minutes before he does just to look at him and how handsome he is.

I don't feel any of that anymore. I can't remember what it is like to just be in love with someone. Is this it? Did I fall in love with him and now fallen out of love with him? I don't want that. The thing is, is that he is still so amazing and kind and wonderful to me that he is the kind of guy that I would fall in love with if I had just met him. But I just feel bored with him; uninspired and no type of romantic love.

I want to be in love with him again. I really do. I want to feel all of these things with him again - not someone else. Honestly, I don't think I could find someone as great as he is. I am very difficult person and he still loves me despite all of that. But how do I make myself feel those things again? How do you fall back in love?

I'm Mad at Them. Whoever They Are

I know it's the same gripe that everyone in America has, but I am so incredibly angry and frustrated at those people who keep raising the gas prices. I don't even really know who those people are: the Saudi Arabians, the Argentines, President Bush, the Oil Companies? I don't know and I don't care; I just hate them. I hate the fact that they are making money on my stress. Because of their insatiable desire to piss off everyone in America, we've had to cancel our trip to Disneyland later this year with my kids. I can't run down to visit my friend in a neighboring state. My brother can't fly out to visit. We can't even take our weekend trips to our cabin that we used to take at least once or twice a month. I even worry about taking our kids out for fun adventures if it's more than a 15 minute drive to get there. The extra money to fill the stupid car is taking away from taking my kids out to fun places. How am I suppose to entertain my kids everyday at home during the summer? I just don't know how. I feel trapped by my home because we can't afford to go anywhere. I constantly worry about money now and how am I going to pay for gas in the car or afford food for the kids. I hate, hate, HATE them for doing this to us. Whoever they are. I hope all of their money catches on fire and they burn in it.

You wanna know what pisses me off: Don't give me all of this crap about there being a short supply. You couldn't see this coming? If the supply was so short, why didn't they start years ago with ways to conserve gas (driving 55 mph. Yea right. Like I really want to spend any extra time listening to my kids fight). Or now, there is a 10 month wait to get a Prius Hybrid. No one could see this coming and they couldn't offer these types of cars 2 years ago? All of a sudden, within the past 8 or so months, it's been, 'Oh crap, we're running out of oil so let's screw everyone over by raising the price so much so that no one can afford to drive.' Yeah, that's a great way to conserve the supply. And besides, I know that I have completely changed the way and how often I drive - and I know I'm not the only one - so shouldn't that affect the supply to at least bring down the gas prices a little. Please. You people are so full of crap, your eyes are brown. I hate, hate, HATE THEM. Whoever they are.

Stuck in a Moment

Do you ever just feel stuck in your life and don't know how to get out of it? I am sick of being a stay at home mom but am too stupid to go out and get a good job. I don't like the way I look but don't know how to change that. Bored with my husband; annoyed with my kids. Tired of these same four walls that I am boxed in everyday; nothing to look forward to. Nothing for me that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. How do you find happiness in the same ol' stuff day in and day out? Nothing on the outside is going to change, so how do I change how I feel on the inside about the stuff on the outside?

Just Average

I'm not overweight, but after all my kids. I feel fatter than makes me happy. I'm at my highest, non-pregnancy weight and I want to be skinny, or at least thin so that I feel sexy and pretty. To me, my butt is too big and my face is too round with no defined jawline. I get tired of my husband telling me that I am not fat just so that he can get some. I am not happy with the weight that I am at, but am not willing to give up my food that I enjoy nor that "Yea for me; I didn't beat my kids today and now they are all in bed" treat. I wouldn't think of going in to one of those weight loss centers because I'm sure they would just laugh at me and tell me that I wouldn't qualify. But I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I just like to eat too much. For my height, I am top of the range of what's healthy and I don't want to be at the top, I want to be in the lower end. And here's the thing: I want to be thinner just so I can look hot, not for my health. Couldn't care less about that. I want to be thin, not just average, and buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel sexy. Not for my husband; just for me.

And exercising? Yea right. I love to run, but how am I suppose to find time to do that with all this motherhood stuff that I have to do? I just get too tired and there isn't enough time in the day. And I can't leave my little kids at home alone so I can go and run. That's called child endangerment and the cops tend to frown down on that. If only I were rich enough so I could hire a personal trainer - or at least a daily babysitter so I could go and run. I just don't know how others do it. Guess I'll just have to stay this way until my kids are old enough to leave home alone. Or until I win the lottery.

Yes, I Noticed

Dear Husband,
Yes, I noticed when you actually put the dishes in the dishwasher AND folded the laundry. But that doesn't make me automatically so turned on that I have rip my clothes off like the Hulk and jump your bones. Just because I didn't immediately say thank you doesn't mean I didn't see it. But I still do appreciate the kind gesture (even if I know that it's only because you want some). After all, I don't see you running downstairs to unload the dishwasher while yelling THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! after I give you a bl.ow j.ob.
With much love and gratitude,
Your wife

Being Crapped On All Over

This morning, after my husband left, I got in the shower and when I came downstairs to get the kids ready to go, I noticed this strange smell. I have the nose of a bloodhound so I went around the house trying to sniff out whatever it was. And then I found it. The incredibly stupid dog that we have crapped all over my piano books and music. And not the kind of crap you can just pick up with a plastic bag and throw away. No, it had to be the runny, icky stuff that not only ruined most of my piano music, but also stained the carpet. There are two things I do that wind me down: read and play the piano. Thank you, you stupid, stupid dog for taking one of those things away from me. As if I haven't been crapped on enough lately.

On the Outside Looking In

When I was in high school. I had a group of girls that I was really good friends with. But the three of them lived real close together while I lived across town. There were so many times when I would ask What are we doing tonight? and the answer would be nothing, only to find out the next day that at last minute they decided to get together and go do something fun. I have never quite figured out why they just wouldn't call me up and wait for me to come along. I even had my own car and parents who didn't care what I did. I guess waiting an extra 15 minutes for me to get there is a long time to wait, after all.

Last Sunday, I was at church talking to a couple of (different) friends, 2 of which I am really close with. The three of them all live right close together too. One of them mentioned that they might get together and play games that night. I told my good friend to give me a call if they do because I am suppose to go have dinner with my in-laws - again - and need an excuse to get out of it; or at least leave early. She said that she would. I never got a call that night and just figured that they didn't decide to do it.

The next day, my good friend text me and said that she was thinking about me and asked if I'm doing okay. I nearly cried because I was so happy that she cared and frankly, things have not being going well at all lately. But being the idiot and guarded person that I am, I text back that I am hangin in there. Over an hour later, and still no response. Any hopes that I had that maybe I could talk to someone and have a friend to just listen to me, were dashed. Feeling confused, I just text her again and asked if she and the other girls played games the night before. She wrote back that they did, but it was just a spur of the moment thing. Over the course of the conversation, she said that they played this one game, twice, for several hours. I was hurt.

I felt like that poor, pathetic 16 year old girl again, sitting on her bed, knees up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, crying; wondering why I just can't be a part of the group. I know it sounds all insecure and like a pity party, but it's just how I felt. I really don't feel like I have ever really fit in with people. I do have a couple of really good friends and I thought one of them was this one girl so I am just confused as to why she won't just call me up and ask me to come on over. And come to find out, they get together quite a bit and play games and do stuff. Maybe it's because I live too far away. Two streets over is a long way to walk, after all.

It Turns Out, I'm Not a Crazy Person

Today, I was at my daughter's school who is going to summer school and I met a mom who has a son who also has ADHD and ODD. We talked forever! She totally understood what it is like to have a child who has the problems that ours do. She has felt and feels the same things about her son that I do about my daughter. We talked about what works, what drives us crazy, and what helps us to survive. I went home and cried again. But for different reasons this time. After that whole playgroup fiasco last week, I finally felt like maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all and that other moms who have to deal with this are going through the same thing. It felt nice to be understood and not judged. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone in the world.

I Really Hate Playgroups

I live in a close-knit community where everyone knows everyone and we all have a billion kids. And every one loves being a stay at home mom. Except for me. I've always been the odd man out. So some people decided to come up with an idea to do playgroup every week during the summer and take our kids someplace fun. At first I thought, Hey this isn't such a bad idea and it might be fun to get out of the house. So I went. Once. And all I could think was, "These women are so full of crap! No one is that happy to be a mom all the time."

I've never been one to sugar coat things; I prefer the truth and getting straight to the point. So I talked about how my daughter drives me out of my mind everyday - and how I hate summer and can't wait for school to start - and how desperately I want to get out of the house and get a job. And many of these women just looked at me like I was some kind of devil woman who doesn't love her kids very much. I went home and cried. And I hardly ever cry. I just felt like I didn't belong. I guess I am just an oddity who shouldn't be allowed to have children because I'm not as of good as a mom as these other people. I know it's a pity party, but it's just how I felt afterwards. I really don't think I'll be going back anytime soon.

Where's the Justice?

So I've mentioned my ADHD/ODD child who drives me berserk pretty much every day she's awake. It's even worse in the summer because there is nothing to keep her busy for long periods of time. But her favorite thing to do right now is play outside in the little pool and sprinklers. It's crazy hot here right now and so the other day I offered to put sunscreen on her. She replied, "I don't need it; it's not that hot." I figured, fine; let her learn the lesson of no sunscreen=really bad sunburn herself.

A few hours later, I offered again, "Are you sure you don't want on any sunscreen. You're gonna get a sunburn." Again, she quipped, "Mom, the sun is behind the clouds now. I don't need it!" Fine. You'll learn by the end of the day, I thought to myself.

By the end of the day, all she was, was tanned. On the other hand, the other kids that I completely slathered in sunscreen? Both got sunburned. Pretty bad. Is this karma's idea of a joke? Because I don't find it funny at all. All it did was prove, once again, that she is right and I am wrong. And that she knows everything. Karma can kiss my ass.

So Do I Have a Job or Not?

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to no longer be a stay at home mom and to go and get a job. But I didn't just want any job; I want a job that I wanted to do. It was a tough decision and I second guess it all the time, but I just feel like I am ready and need to get out of the house and do something more than "just" be a mom. I am so sick and tired of it; I don't enjoy it and I want something more from life than just being a slave, maid, chauffeur, cook, referee, etc, and not get paid for it.

I was lucky enough to find a company hiring in the field that I want to be in. A fairly big company that comes with a bunch of perks. So I applied. 2 weeks ago. And I still haven't heard anything back yet. It's driving me crazy. I REALLY want this job, more than anything right now and not knowing if I have it or not is very frustrating for me.

So I called the recruiting number today that I had to call after I put my application in online and was told by the nice man that if a senior recruiter wants me for the job, they will contact me. But if not, they will keep my application on file. FOR 6 MONTHS! And they could contact me at anytime during that 6 months and let me know that they want me. Are you freakin' kidding me!?! Am I just suppose to wait around for 6 months to see if they want me? It gets even more confusing because there is another job available in the same field that I could get, but it's not exactly what I want. But in order to get it, I would have to call in some favors and I'm not sure if I want to do that yet. And knowing my luck, I would do that and then get the call from this other company that they want me. I just really want this job so bad, I could cry. It's really too bad that patience isn't one of my virtues. Guess I just have to take a seat on the "Wait & See Train." I hate that train.

My ADHD/ODD Child

I'm sitting here in tears writing this. I think that I may just win the Worst Mom of the Year award. The reason being, I have this daughter who I just can't stand. She makes me so mad. And over the top angry. And guilty. And like I am the worst mom to have ever lived. And she's only 8. She has ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder-basically she disagrees with everything no matter what. Like I'll say "You're shirt in on backwards" - "no it's not"; "You need to clean your room - "No I don't"; "The sky is blue" - "No it isn't." You get the idea...). It is the worst thing a kid can have. At least if it were diabetes I could just give her a shot and send her on her way instead of hating her every minute of everyday. She makes my life a living hell and makes me wish that I never had kids. I don't like being her mom and don't know what to do about it.

I always believed that home was where your kids could come and no matter what happened in the outside world, they would be loved here. But I feel like I am failing her. I get mad at her and yell at her first thing in the morning and it lasts pretty much all day because she does such stupid, stupid things. It makes me wonder if I have even taught her at all to be a good person and make good choices. This morning, she bit a hole in her school pants just so she could wear them out to play. Brand new school pants that I just bought a couple of months ago nonetheless. Who does that!?! What the hell is she thinking!?! So, being the fantastic mom that I am, I made her go and change her pants and then sent her out to play just so I wouldn't have to be around her.

I want to love her so bad; I want to see the good in her; I want to be a good mom for her and have her know that I love her. But I just don't think I am doing a very good job of any of that. She just makes it so difficult to love her and see the good in her. And all I can think now is, How the frick am I going to last another 2 months of this until school starts? It's like this every summer. At least with school, she's being kept busy for a good part of the day. I do have her in a couple of summer activities, but they don't last near as long as school does. So she is home doing ridiculously dumb things and defying everything I say to her. It honestly takes every ounce of energy I have to not beat her. Isn't that just awful? What kind of mom am I? I don't know what to do with her or about her. And I just don't know what to do so that she knows that she is loved by someone in this world.

Apparently, the Thought Doesn't Count

My husband is driving me crazy and can be such an ungrateful little shrew sometimes. Yesterday was Father's Day and I told him that I wanted to get him a bbq (to go with our half done backyard). He said that he would rather wait and get a "really nice one" that he can build out of bricks. I tried my damnest to not roll my eyes and let out a big sigh, but I just couldn't stop it from coming out. He was offended and was like, "What!?!" Now I was in for it. I told him that maybe we could just get one that will work just fine that isn't all elaborate and amazing, and I'm not really ready for him to start another project (check out my earlier post on things being half done for the reason why). He said, "Fine. But can I go with you to pick it out?"

Now, being the smart woman that I am, of course I saw this as, "I want to make sure I get what I want and not what you pick out." Don't think I'm crazy; I've been married to this man for years and know what he really means.

So yesterday for Father's Day, he got nothing.

His birthday is next week and I was trying to surprise him because I know he really wants a gps. Being the dork that I am, I mentioned how much I am going to spend on his present and he said, "You're getting me a gps, aren't you?" I said yes. But that's all; he doesn't know what kind or anything. What he didn't know was that I researched these things out, talked to people, looked things up online and spent a lot of time to make sure I get the one that he wants within the price that we could afford.

This morning, he said to me, " Maybe you should wait to get the gps so we can save up for one because I want a really nice one." He has no idea which one I am getting him or how nice it is!!!! He just assumes that it's not nice enough or that i don't know anything about it. Jerk. He always wants the more expensive one; the nicer one; the better one. Of course there are going to be nicer ones out there, but we can't afford a $400 one right now. Even as it is, I'm spending more than we really have because I know that he wants one so bad. But apparently, that's not good enough. I just don't see the point in spending $400 on one with all the extra bells and whistles that he doesn't need when a cheaper one will do the job just fine. Next year, I'm just going to give him a candy bar.

Get Out Of My Pantry

Maybe it's because I'm excessively tired today. Maybe it's because I'm overly stressed about the whole doctor thing. Maybe it's because the cost of food has risen so much in the last little while that it stresses me out to go shopping. Maybe it's because I hate going to the grocery store and the last time I took all of my kids there, my son rammed my daughter's head into an end cap and we left the store in a gush of blood and no groceries. Maybe it's because I grew up poor and didn't always have the food that I wanted. But whatever it is, I am so sick and tired and incredibly annoyed that all of these neighborhood kids keep coming over and raiding my pantry and fridge like mutant, bulimic termites. I am not the neighborhood All-In-One-Food Stop. I don't mind giving out an Otter Pop or a handful of crackers here and there - I'd like to not think of myself as Food Nazi. But c'mon, you snot-nosed rotten little kids: quit coming over here and asking for food. Or worse, not asking and just helping yourself to it like it's your own damn house. If you're that hungry, go tell someone who cares - like Child Protective Services. Heaven help me when they all turn teenagers. I seriously need to go lay down now....

Back from the Doctor's

So I feel bad for baggin' all over my doctor; he really is a good guy and it's not his fault the office closes at 4:00pm - I know that he is there dealing with out-of-control hormonal women way past 4:00, not to mention those annoying women who have their babies at 3:00am (yep, that'd be me with all my kids). I called and told the receptionist the problem and she got me in that same day. But I did have to wait for over an hour and a half to actually see the doctor - mainly because of one annoying woman who decided to have her baby right in the middle of the day. Not that I really minded though; that was the most amount of peace and quiet I've had in days.

He felt around a bit on my boobs and said that there is something definitely there, but he's not quite sure what it is. He doesn't think that it's cancer, but just to be sure, I have a mammogram scheduled - in two freakin' weeks!!! That's the soonest the scheduling department could get me in. But they said to call every couple of days to see if there has been a cancellation. Would it be wrong to pretend that I heard, "Every couple of hours" and call every day, cuz I don't know if I'll last that long. I hope my boob doesn't fall off before then because man alive, it's hurting more and more each day.

I am nervous and a little scared of what's going on and just want to know what it is so that it can be taken care of. You wanna know what I am most worried about though? Not having it be cancer, but if it is cancer, loosing my hair because I've got awesome hair; it's my thing. It's really the only thing that I really like about my looks.

And is it weird that I was a little turned on by the doctor copping a feel all over my boob. Because my doctor is hot! That is seriously the most amount of action and passion that I've had in weeks. Why couldn't of I had an uh-go for a doctor...?

And just to make me feel better about the whole situation:

I Hate Doctors

So my breast is still bothering me and now the pain is going up under my armpit so I am starting to get a little concerned. I HATE going to the doctor because I always just think that it's nothing and that it will go away. But the pain is getting worse and it may just be my imagination, but is still feeling lumpier than usual. So I decided to bite the bullet and call the doctor to make the appointment. But it took me all day to come to this conclusion. It was 4:05 and I made the call to the doctor and has my good friend Karma would have it, the damn place closed at 4:00 (it used to close 4:30 so I thought I was safe). Who the hell closes at 4:00 in the afternoon!?! Stupid, rich OBGYNs. The least they could do is keep the stupid scheduling department open to help poor pathetic people like me who wait until the last minute to call. So now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to call. And I have to get up the courage again . At least this time, I won't wait until friggin' 4:05.

Does anyone know if these are normal symptoms of breast cancer or am I getting worked up for nothing? It's in the back of my mind that maybe it's that - but if it is, I'm gonna kick cancer in the ass - but at the same time, what if I'm freaked out for nothing and it's something dumb like a clogged duct; even though I haven't breastfed in 3 years. I just hope I don't have to wait 2 weeks to get in for an appointment with the doctor cuz the pain is just getting worse. And a part of me is a little scared. but please don't tell my husband that though.

The Go-To Person

I've been going through a rough time lately and don't know quite how to deal with it. I am really hating being a stay at home mom; I'm sick of my husband; and in general, I'm disappointed with the life I have chosen for myself. Not that the grass is greener on the other side (not married and/or working), mind you but as it is, I just don't like where my life is right now and want something different. I'm burned out with the kids and the house and just want something more that what I have. I just don't know what that is. But the real problem I am having is that I feel like I've got no one to talk to about it. I always feel like I am the "go-to" friend that everyone comes to when they need something or want to talk. And now that I'm the one who needs that friend to understand and help out, no one seems to notice or have time. It's like standing in a crowded room screaming and no one is noticing me. It's just the same as being a room alone. And that's quite how I feel right now: alone. And yet, I still have to be there for them. It's what I do and what they have come to expect. I've never really minded until now.

Going Halfway

My husband is amazing. He can do so many things and likes to do projects around the house. But I am starting to get a little frustrated over the fact that he can't actually finish a project before he goes on to the next one. At this moment, our tile is half done, the new baseboard is half done, the fence in only half fixed, the framing for the cement that he wants to lay is only half done, and my flower boxes are only half made. It's driving me crazy. I love you dear and I know you like to fix things around the house. But for the love, will you please just finish something before you start on something else!?! I feel like I live in a white trash house because of all these little messes of half done projects around the house. Nothing is complete and looking nice, but it almost is. This isn't horseshoes; that doesn't count. I know he gets tired and works hard and gets burned out, but maybe that wouldn't happen so much if he would actually finish a project first before moving on to the next one. Maybe he has ADD or something. Either way, I just want my house to be finished and looking nice since I'm stuck here all day long having to look at these messes that I'm not allowed to touch or "mess up."

I'm Just a Pair of Boobs to Him.

For the past few weeks, one of my breasts has really been hurting me. It's like this constant, fierce, sharp stabbing pain. It's tender to touch and according to my husband, it seems a bit more lumpier than usual. And I have been incredibly tired and worn down (more than usual). So he wants to me to go and get it checked out to make sure it's not cancer or anything. But I can't help to wonder if it's just pms or something and if it were any other body part that hurt, say like my brain, he wouldn't care as much. Heaven forbid anything ever happen to the all important boobs. What in the world would he hold at night? My elbow?

I hate the fact that he has to snuggle up to them every night and if I push him away and don't want to be touched, he gets all mad and huffy and turns over in frustration. And then I'm the bitch. Who cares that his constant stress ball massaging and fondling of it keeps me awake even though I have to get up in the morning too and get the kids off to school and a day of Cinderella work ahead of me. Obviously not him; as long as he gets what he wants and is happy and gets a good nights rest.

Sometimes, I secretly wish that maybe I would not have my boobs anymore because it would be mean that he would actually have to love me for me - not just my boobs - or that he would get bored and leave and I could finally sleep good at night. I hate the fact that he untucks my shirt, hits the nipple, suctions to the boob and I'm stuck laying uncomfortably on my back all because they make him feel better. Well yea for you. Grow your own damn boobs then and leave mine the hell alone!

Where's the Passion?

I have been married for over 10 years now and my husband loves me very much; and I love him. But you know what I miss terribly? Passion. That "I've gotta have it now" feeling. That excitement and rush. That exhilaration of not being able to contain yourself and ripping your clothes off just to feel that hot, sweaty body. Basically, the kind of passion that everyone seems to have in the movies and the kind that we had the first few years of marriage. Now it's boiled down to, "Hey baby, you wanna do it?"

I want to feel young and sexy and desirable. Not like I'm just a sex "gas station" who just there to service my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I more than just a who-ha and a pair of boobs to him. If I didn't have those, I would be completely useless. I want him to love me for me, not for my boobs. If I could, I would cut them off and let him have them to carry around and feel up wherever he wants. Sometimes they just annoy me anyway; especially now that they hang down to my knees from the pregnancies and breastfeeding. Yesterday, I wore a new shirt and he said to me, "That's a nice shirt, but it would look better if your boobs were bigger." Thanks. Was that suppose to be a compliment?

It doesn't help that I hate my body either. I feel like it's so flubbery and and so not cute from before my kids and when I actually had time to have more that goldfish crackers and a slice of bread for lunch. The idea of being naked kinda sucks the passion right on out of me. I know that's my issue and not his, but I'm pretty sure that even if he were blind, he would still grope me in the middle of the night and be like, "Oh are you awake...?"

I want to feel the passion again; the thrill of the hunt and that feeling when it's all so new and fun. Is it possible to have that again after all these years? Will I ever find the time to make the change to make my body look the way that I want so that I can feel sexy again? Or am I just in for a lifetime of, "Are we ever going to do it again?"

Get Off My Blog Already!

There are some friends that I have from high school and all of us started blogs (this would be my 'regular' one). At first, I had mine public, but with some weary because I am not a very public person and don't really like sharing my business with everyone. One of these girls from high school 'found' me and started leaving comments on my blog that just annoyed me. Nothing offensive or anything; she's just an annoying, judgemental person. So I decided to make the blog private and only invited those friends that I really like and wanted to share my life with. I told her that I was being "blog stalked" and I quit doing the blog.

Now she won't leave me and this blog thing alone. She leaves comments on the other people's sites saying that I should start up again; that she could help me out. Because she wants to know all about the craziness that is going on in my life. Duh, you idiot! That's the reason I made it private in the first place! Because I don't want you to know and then judge me for it. But she won't stop bugging me about it and now, I just want to egg her house. Maybe she'll get the hint then.

Moving In

I found this building while wasting time surfing instead of taking care of my kids. Sure glad I did! I need a place to vent in anonymity. Thank you to Constance the First for coming up with such a smart way to do it. But I'm gonna have to change the layout if that's okay because I'm not a fan of pink. But I still would love to be part of the big, pink building.