Am I Expendable?

I consider Amy and I to be good friends. At this point, she is probably my best friend. I tell her everything from the problems my husband and I have to how overwhelmed and stressed out I really am with school, work, and the children. She is the one I call when something fun has happened and she is the one I call when I need to talk and cry my heart out. She makes me feel better and she tells me what I need to hear. We go shopping together, hang out, and have lunch together. She is my "person;" the one I turn to when I have no one else. Because I have no one else. I don't have other friends like that. I don't trust people, so I keep things to myself and am standoff-ish to other people in our neighboorhood. It had taken me a long time to trust her, to share my life with her, and to be such good friends with her. My problem is, is that she doesn't need me as nearly as bad as I need her. She doesn't call me when she is upset about her cancer or when her and her husband argue or when the kids are driving her crazy and it's too much for her. She doesn't dump all over me like I dump all over her with my problems, issues, and anxiety. She has other people for that.

She has a lot of good friends that come over and hang out with her. After she got done with one of her cancer surgeries, one of her other friends and saw her. I tried, but she said she didn't want to see anyone. It was later that I found out that her other friend did go and see her. I had surgery late last year and she came to see me and I let her in, but it wasn't vice versa. That hurt my feelings. The night before she had surgery, she had 5 people over at her house, including me. The night before my surgery, I cried alone.

I guess I just feel so insecure and unneeded. Expendable. She doesn't need me; she has other people, other friends - other people to confide in. It makes me wonder what she needs me for. In the end, she doesn't really need me. I could slip away and I don't know if anyone would even notice. I want her to reciprocate the friendship I offer to her; I want her to need me like I need her. I want a real, true friend that I know I can trust and who trusts me.