Emotions of a Grown-Up Mom

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place so bear with me. This just isn't something that I could post on my regular blog; I don't need all of my friends and family knowing I'm a crazy person.

My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.

I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.

I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.

I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.

I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.

And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.

Good Influence or Getting into Trouble

There's this kid in our neighborhood who makes my difficult ADHD/ODD child look like an angel. I'll call him "Chris." He is so awful that while I was gone on a trip, he took my other daughter's favorite -and rather sad- little blanket and ripped it in two. All I could say was that it was a good thing that I was on another continent when that happened because I would've fried him.

The thing is is that he is friends with my son. My son could be classified as a "good kid' - does what he is asked, never much of a problem maker, does his homework and chores without complaint; things like that. I really can't stand it when "Chris" comes over to play but sometimes, my son has no one else to play with and they tend to have fun together. But he is a bad influence and does naughty things that my son would never come up with on his own. I wish my son wouldn't play with him.

My husband thinks that I should let them play together because he thinks that my son could be a good influence on "Chris." That's all fine and good, but I am more worried about "Chris" being a bad influence on my son - especially as they get older. There have been a few times already when my son has come back from playing and told me that "Chris" did this and this, but he didn't do it; he just stood back. I'm worried about the day when my son gives into peer pressure and wants to fit in and this is the type of kid he fits in with. I don't want my son to end up anything like this kid because he is on a slippery slope that just ends in muck.

But at the same time, I don't know how to tell "Chris" to not come around anymore and not play with my son because then I just come off as the snooty mom who won't let her kid play with anyone. And my son is sad that he has no one to play with. I'd really like to think that my son would be the better influence and keep "Chris" out of trouble, but I just don't see that happening. I see it the other way around and it worries me.

Come and Get Her!

When I agree to let your obnoxious, whiny kid come over and play with my kid for a few hours and I say "Pick her up around 3:00 or 3:30," I mean closer to 3:00, not 4:15!!!!!

Here's some money. Go buy a watch. Or at least a clock.

And for future reference, if you're gonna leave her this long so you can do "just one more errand," I charge a babysitting fee of $5 an hour.