I J D G I!

I am quite tired of people who have the insatiable desire to shorten everything down to just letters. And I'm suppose to be on the same wavelength to try and decipher whatever the hell it means. I Just Don't Get It! Use words for heaven's sake!

I'm a regular person, not a Code Talker. Nor am I 16.

Or a psychic.

Or a mind reader.

If I were, I would totally use my special powers for other things than deciphering a lazy persons puzzles. Like when the next terrorist attack is going to be.

Or what was my husband thinking when he bought that Hawaiian shirt? He's just much too white - and blond - to pull that off.

I can tolerate the whole, "When R U going 2 B here?" abbreviation thing. But not, ICW2SYT (I can't wait to see you tomorrow). I'm much too old and impatient to sit there and try and figure out what the crap they are talking about. No wonder why teenagers are getting dumber and dumber. None of them know how to spell anymore.

And don't even get me started on punctuation.

Do You Remember Being in Love?

I went to a wedding this weekend. My husband couldn't come because he had to work. So I sat there, alone, with my kids, just feeling lonely and sad. Here was this brand new husband and wife so in love with stars in their eyes, surrounded by other people so in love.

I still love my husband, but I am having a hard time feeling like I am in love with him. Does that make any sense? I miss that twiterpatted, can't keep your hands off of each other, I-miss-you-so-much-when-are-you-going-to-be-home? feeling.

Now, I much prefer him working late just so I can have a few moments of peace without any pressure of having to put out tonight.

I miss the days of just walking hand in hand talking about nothing, but just happy to be next to him. Or falling asleep in his arms watching a movie at home. Or waking up just a couple of minutes before he does just to look at him and how handsome he is.

I don't feel any of that anymore. I can't remember what it is like to just be in love with someone. Is this it? Did I fall in love with him and now fallen out of love with him? I don't want that. The thing is, is that he is still so amazing and kind and wonderful to me that he is the kind of guy that I would fall in love with if I had just met him. But I just feel bored with him; uninspired and no type of romantic love.

I want to be in love with him again. I really do. I want to feel all of these things with him again - not someone else. Honestly, I don't think I could find someone as great as he is. I am very difficult person and he still loves me despite all of that. But how do I make myself feel those things again? How do you fall back in love?

I'm Mad at Them. Whoever They Are

I know it's the same gripe that everyone in America has, but I am so incredibly angry and frustrated at those people who keep raising the gas prices. I don't even really know who those people are: the Saudi Arabians, the Argentines, President Bush, the Oil Companies? I don't know and I don't care; I just hate them. I hate the fact that they are making money on my stress. Because of their insatiable desire to piss off everyone in America, we've had to cancel our trip to Disneyland later this year with my kids. I can't run down to visit my friend in a neighboring state. My brother can't fly out to visit. We can't even take our weekend trips to our cabin that we used to take at least once or twice a month. I even worry about taking our kids out for fun adventures if it's more than a 15 minute drive to get there. The extra money to fill the stupid car is taking away from taking my kids out to fun places. How am I suppose to entertain my kids everyday at home during the summer? I just don't know how. I feel trapped by my home because we can't afford to go anywhere. I constantly worry about money now and how am I going to pay for gas in the car or afford food for the kids. I hate, hate, HATE them for doing this to us. Whoever they are. I hope all of their money catches on fire and they burn in it.

You wanna know what pisses me off: Don't give me all of this crap about there being a short supply. You couldn't see this coming? If the supply was so short, why didn't they start years ago with ways to conserve gas (driving 55 mph. Yea right. Like I really want to spend any extra time listening to my kids fight). Or now, there is a 10 month wait to get a Prius Hybrid. No one could see this coming and they couldn't offer these types of cars 2 years ago? All of a sudden, within the past 8 or so months, it's been, 'Oh crap, we're running out of oil so let's screw everyone over by raising the price so much so that no one can afford to drive.' Yeah, that's a great way to conserve the supply. And besides, I know that I have completely changed the way and how often I drive - and I know I'm not the only one - so shouldn't that affect the supply to at least bring down the gas prices a little. Please. You people are so full of crap, your eyes are brown. I hate, hate, HATE THEM. Whoever they are.

Stuck in a Moment

Do you ever just feel stuck in your life and don't know how to get out of it? I am sick of being a stay at home mom but am too stupid to go out and get a good job. I don't like the way I look but don't know how to change that. Bored with my husband; annoyed with my kids. Tired of these same four walls that I am boxed in everyday; nothing to look forward to. Nothing for me that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. How do you find happiness in the same ol' stuff day in and day out? Nothing on the outside is going to change, so how do I change how I feel on the inside about the stuff on the outside?

Just Average

I'm not overweight, but after all my kids. I feel fatter than makes me happy. I'm at my highest, non-pregnancy weight and I want to be skinny, or at least thin so that I feel sexy and pretty. To me, my butt is too big and my face is too round with no defined jawline. I get tired of my husband telling me that I am not fat just so that he can get some. I am not happy with the weight that I am at, but am not willing to give up my food that I enjoy nor that "Yea for me; I didn't beat my kids today and now they are all in bed" treat. I wouldn't think of going in to one of those weight loss centers because I'm sure they would just laugh at me and tell me that I wouldn't qualify. But I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I just like to eat too much. For my height, I am top of the range of what's healthy and I don't want to be at the top, I want to be in the lower end. And here's the thing: I want to be thinner just so I can look hot, not for my health. Couldn't care less about that. I want to be thin, not just average, and buy clothes that look good on me and make me feel sexy. Not for my husband; just for me.

And exercising? Yea right. I love to run, but how am I suppose to find time to do that with all this motherhood stuff that I have to do? I just get too tired and there isn't enough time in the day. And I can't leave my little kids at home alone so I can go and run. That's called child endangerment and the cops tend to frown down on that. If only I were rich enough so I could hire a personal trainer - or at least a daily babysitter so I could go and run. I just don't know how others do it. Guess I'll just have to stay this way until my kids are old enough to leave home alone. Or until I win the lottery.

Yes, I Noticed

Dear Husband,
Yes, I noticed when you actually put the dishes in the dishwasher AND folded the laundry. But that doesn't make me automatically so turned on that I have rip my clothes off like the Hulk and jump your bones. Just because I didn't immediately say thank you doesn't mean I didn't see it. But I still do appreciate the kind gesture (even if I know that it's only because you want some). After all, I don't see you running downstairs to unload the dishwasher while yelling THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! after I give you a bl.ow j.ob.
With much love and gratitude,
Your wife

Being Crapped On All Over

This morning, after my husband left, I got in the shower and when I came downstairs to get the kids ready to go, I noticed this strange smell. I have the nose of a bloodhound so I went around the house trying to sniff out whatever it was. And then I found it. The incredibly stupid dog that we have crapped all over my piano books and music. And not the kind of crap you can just pick up with a plastic bag and throw away. No, it had to be the runny, icky stuff that not only ruined most of my piano music, but also stained the carpet. There are two things I do that wind me down: read and play the piano. Thank you, you stupid, stupid dog for taking one of those things away from me. As if I haven't been crapped on enough lately.

On the Outside Looking In

When I was in high school. I had a group of girls that I was really good friends with. But the three of them lived real close together while I lived across town. There were so many times when I would ask What are we doing tonight? and the answer would be nothing, only to find out the next day that at last minute they decided to get together and go do something fun. I have never quite figured out why they just wouldn't call me up and wait for me to come along. I even had my own car and parents who didn't care what I did. I guess waiting an extra 15 minutes for me to get there is a long time to wait, after all.

Last Sunday, I was at church talking to a couple of (different) friends, 2 of which I am really close with. The three of them all live right close together too. One of them mentioned that they might get together and play games that night. I told my good friend to give me a call if they do because I am suppose to go have dinner with my in-laws - again - and need an excuse to get out of it; or at least leave early. She said that she would. I never got a call that night and just figured that they didn't decide to do it.

The next day, my good friend text me and said that she was thinking about me and asked if I'm doing okay. I nearly cried because I was so happy that she cared and frankly, things have not being going well at all lately. But being the idiot and guarded person that I am, I text back that I am hangin in there. Over an hour later, and still no response. Any hopes that I had that maybe I could talk to someone and have a friend to just listen to me, were dashed. Feeling confused, I just text her again and asked if she and the other girls played games the night before. She wrote back that they did, but it was just a spur of the moment thing. Over the course of the conversation, she said that they played this one game, twice, for several hours. I was hurt.

I felt like that poor, pathetic 16 year old girl again, sitting on her bed, knees up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, crying; wondering why I just can't be a part of the group. I know it sounds all insecure and like a pity party, but it's just how I felt. I really don't feel like I have ever really fit in with people. I do have a couple of really good friends and I thought one of them was this one girl so I am just confused as to why she won't just call me up and ask me to come on over. And come to find out, they get together quite a bit and play games and do stuff. Maybe it's because I live too far away. Two streets over is a long way to walk, after all.

It Turns Out, I'm Not a Crazy Person

Today, I was at my daughter's school who is going to summer school and I met a mom who has a son who also has ADHD and ODD. We talked forever! She totally understood what it is like to have a child who has the problems that ours do. She has felt and feels the same things about her son that I do about my daughter. We talked about what works, what drives us crazy, and what helps us to survive. I went home and cried again. But for different reasons this time. After that whole playgroup fiasco last week, I finally felt like maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all and that other moms who have to deal with this are going through the same thing. It felt nice to be understood and not judged. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone in the world.