I went to a wedding this weekend. My husband couldn't come because he had to work. So I sat there, alone, with my kids, just feeling lonely and sad. Here was this brand new husband and wife so in love with stars in their eyes, surrounded by other people so in love.
I still love my husband, but I am having a hard time feeling like I am in love with him. Does that make any sense? I miss that twiterpatted, can't keep your hands off of each other, I-miss-you-so-much-when-are-you-going-to-be-home? feeling.
Now, I much prefer him working late just so I can have a few moments of peace without any pressure of having to put out tonight.
I miss the days of just walking hand in hand talking about nothing, but just happy to be next to him. Or falling asleep in his arms watching a movie at home. Or waking up just a couple of minutes before he does just to look at him and how handsome he is.
I don't feel any of that anymore. I can't remember what it is like to just be in love with someone. Is this it? Did I fall in love with him and now fallen out of love with him? I don't want that. The thing is, is that he is still so amazing and kind and wonderful to me that he is the kind of guy that I would fall in love with if I had just met him. But I just feel bored with him; uninspired and no type of romantic love.
I want to be in love with him again. I really do. I want to feel all of these things with him again - not someone else. Honestly, I don't think I could find someone as great as he is. I am very difficult person and he still loves me despite all of that. But how do I make myself feel those things again? How do you fall back in love?
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I know some people claim to still have "early relationship" love feelings even years into the relationship, but in my experience (that is, my own plus that of my friends), everyone ends up exactly the same: no longer feeling the early-relationship feelings.
Those "feelings" are caused by hormones in your brain-- they go away after the first year and they NEVER COME BACK.
But you can remember why you fell in love with him in the first place-- make sure you're getting some time all to yourself. Once a week, or once every two weeks, send the kid/s off to a babysitter and take a day, an afternoon, for yourself.
The more time you get for yourself, the more time/love you'll have for your DH.
Make it a point to have a date night once a week, or once every two weeks, and make sure it's varied. A movie is fine most of the time, but put some effort into trying new things together. Set aside time that's just for the two of you, and make sure you're actually doing something, taking a walk, being out in public, where it would be hard for him to start *something*... if you can get back to a "dating" feeling every so often, you'll have a better chance of feeling relaxed and happy, and loving feelings will follow.
Those "in-love" butterflies will never happen again, but you can remember all the good things he's done, write them down, and remember how you felt. Do this every day if you can.
Write him a letter telling him a few of your favorite things about him, what you appreciate him for, and do this every few months.
Part of staying "in-love" has to do with remembering and working at it-- and realizing that your love evolves.
My hubby and I will celebrate 25 years together next month (and he sounds a lot like your DH) and yeah, the butterflys are gone. But I've come to appreciate the comfortableness of our relationship....and after watching several friends try to rediscover the 'being in love' feelings by leaving their marriages, no thank-you.
Take the above advice...appreciate what you have (and it sounds like, for the most part, you do)...excitement is good, but I'll take stability and fidelity anyday :)
Thank you all so much for your help and insight. It really means a lot to me to have help through this and to know what I feel is normal. Things are rough between him and I right now, but we are working through it. Man, this marriage stuff is hard. How come Disney never wrote a fairy tale about that? Cinderella can kiss my....
Omina, your ideas are great and have already done some of them which have helped too. We went together and saw Batman last night - horrible movie, great time with him.
JustMe, Congrats on 25 years! Maybe you can let me in on how you have done it without a murder charge, because there are some days I tell ya'.... But you're right: I do not want to be single again and have to try and find those feelings. It would take too much effort to loose weight and make myself look hot again. Those days have long gone by. And I don't know if I could get by on my great sarcastic sense of humor and low self-esteem. Not a really the ingredients for a "Hot Drink." At least my husband finds it cute. Or at least tolerates it.
i love my husband immensely but i don't have those butterfly feelings so much anymore the kind you explained. we've been together for 6 years, married for 4 next month. we have 2 kids. he still turns me on, i still am totally attracted to him, and he never ceases to amaze me, but those twitterpated feeling fade i guess.
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