I Feel Inferior

So I am now in the recovery stage of getting my breast augmentation and tummy tuck done and holy junk, am I in pain. Is it worth it? I'm sure it is; just ask me again when the pain in gone and I can cough without severe pain. But what I want to write about is an entirely different subject. I have this good friend of mine who has been helping me out so much. She has brought me food, watched my kids, and even stripped my drains from the surgery site. Now that's friendship.

But I have such an inferiority complex around her. My friend is beautiful; not just beautiful, stunningly beautiful. In fact, we went to a Mary Kay seminar once and the hostess made the point to say how beautiful she is - on more than one occasion. It really didn't help my self-esteem. I don't hate her for her beauty, not in the least bit; I'm not even jealous of it. I just wish I didn't feel so inferior around her. And I often wonder why she even likes me. I always want to ask her that, but how in the world do you start that conversation: "So I have low self-esteem and you are so pretty and popular; why in the world do you like me?"

I know true friendship has nothing to do what on the outside, but I still can't help but wonder why she is always so nice to me. I really treasure her friendship and would never want to do anything to mess that up. And she is just so nice to me all of the time. She is the only person that will call me up out of the blue just to see how I am doing. And I can actually talk with her about it; I've never really had that before. I'm very guarded and keep things private and to myself, but with her, I feel like I can trust her with my secrets. So I really don't understand why I feel so inferior around her, I just know I do.

I'm Getting Plastic Surgery Done

Seeing how I live in a very conservative community, there is no way in the world I am going to announce to all of my neighbors that I am going in this week to get breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. But I am excited; I am hoping that I will finally have self-confidence and not feel like I have to hide my body behind fluffy sweaters and over-sized clothes. I not really overweight, but after my kids, my boobs hang down to my knees and my stomach overhangs on my pants. I hate it. I will only let my husband see my naked when the sun has gone completely down. And heaven forbid we ever actually have sex with the lights on or on top of the covers.

But along with my excitement, I am nervous too. I'm scared over how much it's going to hurt and if I went too big. The last thing I want is to have my boobs be the subject of the next playdate. Fortunately, I never have to go to those wretched things since I work. I keep going back and forth between "I am so excited to finally be doing this and I can't wait" to "Am I right to go in to debt for this and will I regret picking the size I did?" It really depends on the moment on how I am feeling. Right now, I am in the excited phase.

I am trying to get over the fact that there is the stigma that goes along with getting plastic surgery; more specifically, breast augmentation. I don't get it nor quite understand it. But I do know that I am slightly embarrassed by the fact that I am getting it done. And I am not looking for giant boobs that will get me a job in Vegas, but just "put-'em-back-where-they-belong-boobs." I want to feel confident and not embarrassed by the way I look. I am way too self-conscious to go swimming without a bunch of cover-ups. I have already bought this bathing suit that I am thrilled to be able to wear on my next trip to the beach. And I told my husband, if I feel like it, I may even run topless along the beach. In the dark of course. The thought of being that free and unembarrassed of my body excites me. I haven't felt that way since the day before I got pregnant with my first child nearly 11 years ago. I'm excited to be able to feel that way again.

Overall, I feel like I am making the right choice for me, not anyone else. I am going to have to deal with the stares, judgemental attitudes, and the behind my back talking, but that is nothing new around here. It is the land of stay-at-home-mommies after all and that's what they seem to like to do. I don't think I will be posting it on Facebook or telling everyone in my neighborhood that I am doing this. But I am also going to do my best to not be shamed by the fact that I am doing it. They can call me vain if they want, but they will also have to call me content with my body finally.