It's been a hard week for me. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the labels of "depression" and "sex addict." And with the up and down week that I've had, I am having a hard time accepting those terms and am wondering how accurate they really are. I don't see myself as "depressed." I've seen those commercials for depression medication of the people who are depressed and who can't get out of bed, cry uncontrollable, and who just sit and watch their life go by. I'm not like that. I'm not the one sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the rain fall outside; I'm the one who is out in the rain playing in the puddles with my kids. I don't have a hard time getting out of bed; I hardly cry; I'm not sitting around watching my life go by. I'm living it. So I don't see myself as depressed.
I do think that I am cynical though and a bit bored with my life. I do feel stuck in my life as a stay at home mom. But I know that will pass. I don't know when, and that tends to pull me down a bit, but not down to the depths of depression where I feel all hopeless and miserable. I've always been a "glass-half-empty" kinda girl; no matter which way I look at that glass, it's always going to be half-empty to me. So I know that my outlook on life is pessimistic, but I don't know if I would use the term: depressed. It's all very confusing for me.
I'm also confused on the status of my marriage with my husband and the term sex addict. Maybe I was wrong in all of it. Maybe the problem does lie with me and not my husband. I just don't know. He has been quite nice to me these past few days and things have been going well between us. So maybe it is just my perception of him and our marriage. It goes back to that glass-half-empty thing where I just see things in a negative light. Maybe he was right in all of this and the problems are all mine and not him. I just don't know. Maybe our marriage isn't as bad as I thought it was. Maybe he's not a sex addict and he's just a guy. Maybe the problems do lie with me and I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was. Maybe I do just need the therapy and we don't really need marriage counseling.
Nothing makes sense to me right now. And I'm so confused on everything now.
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4 comments:
That sounds like a lot to digest. There's such a range of depression, so not everyone falls into the commercial type you're talking about. (I do)
I obviously don't know the details of the sex addict situation, but my experience is that someone who says the problem is all you has a serious problem. And just because you might have some issues, doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem.
You know, as a woman, it would be nice to know what is "normal" and "just being a guy" and what is not. Personally, I think that anything that makes your wife feel bad is not okay, but that's maybe telling too much about my family.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so confused. Sometimes therapy stirs things up and then you have to deal with them and it's an incredible struggle. It's so hard, but it's always been worth it for me. Hoping for the best for you! =)
Thanks for your support CtheSuper; it made me feel better about the situation. =)
i am so sorry that you are going through this. it must be very hard to deal with all at once.
one word of unsolicited advice (sorry!): i once saw a shrink that was very much WRONG for me. she misdiagnosed me and was quick to put labels on things that she couldn't possible understand yet.
Not to 2nd guess the doc, but no one person has EXACTLY the right answer about EVERYTHING. just something to keep in mind.
i agree that while counselors can help - they can also be wrong, so don't just blindly accept anything.
a friend of mine is in counseling and her counselor told her depression is "repressed anger" and i had never heard that before - but it's an interesting definition (and maybe like the super said, depression is a continuum and everyone falls in a different spot) - and sounds like in some ways what you are dealing with - trying to *not* be angry about something that truly does make you angry. forcing someone to have sex with you seems like a step away from - well, rape is a harsh word - but it's inappropriate. i've been there and done that - and gone to the bathroom to cry. easier to play along for a few minutes than deal with not doing it (because the constant asking never ends...worse than a three year old wanting a cookie). it's turned something that i once enjoyed into something that grosses me out and it repulses me to think about with him. i guess i'm going on too much here.
kim
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