5 Stages

I really feel as if I am going through the 5 stages of grief with this whole sex addiction thing. At first it was denial; that was quite obvious in my last post. Then came the anger. Raging, I-want-to-bash-his-face-in anger. Even thought about just blowing it all off, gathering up the kids from school and moving out. Tell the kids we are going on a little trip and get to stay in a hotel for awhile and then serve the bastard with divorce papers before he even got home from work. Good thing that passed over quickly. Me and rage are not a good combination. I think I must be in the bargaining/depression stage at this point. I am thinking that we may be able to work through this, as long as he gets help. That'll be tricky though; first he has to admit there is a problem. And that is not going to go over well, I think. I made the appointment for a marriage counselor for the beginning of next week and just told him that we are going. End of story. His response? "Well, if that's what you need." AHHHHHHHHHH, I think I may have regressed back to anger for a little bit longer.

And now, I'm just sad. Sad over having to deal with this. Sad over the way I have been treated for all of these years. Sad over how the future is going to be for us; how rocky and unimaginably hellish it's going to be. Unhopeful. Scared. Discouraged. I guess the therapist wasn't too far off with her diagnosis of depression. Haven't quite fully accepted it, but getting there.

The frustrating thing is, is that he really doesn't think he has a problem. That what he does is "normal." I really don't know what is normal or not anymore. I know this may sound a little odd to everyone, but I kinda just wish that it was just a porn addiction. That is something tangible and he would know that what he does is wrong and I could put a lot of blame onto that. But sex addiction is different. He does things to me that I don't like. Makes me have sex with him because he "needs" it. But it's never enough for him; he's always itching for more. No wonder why I feel like I am never good enough. As of late, I just do it to shut him up and then go into the bathroom and just silently cry. And then I blame him, not some arbitrary naked chick on a nasty website like with a porn addiction.

Some days are good, and some are bad. There are days when I could easily castrate him and not think twice about it and then other days when I actually like him. It's so back and forth and such a hard struggle. This is not going to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if it will even be worth it, and other times when I want it to get better because deep down, there is some small, tiny inkling of love still left for him. He is so good to me in all other aspects of our marriage. It's just this one dark spot that is beginning to overtake all of the good. I just want it to be good again because I am not ready to destroy this marriage and family just yet. As long as he is willing to get help. And as they say, Only time will tell....