Man, these past few weeks have been tough. I'm still here though. Even though the thought of killing myself and/or killing my husband have been very tempting in the past little while. Not in a teenager suicidal sort of way; just a this-is-a-lot-to-handle-and-I-want-it-all-to-go-away sort of way. And at times, I fully believed my husband deserved to die. Or at least get a really good kick in the nuts.
Counseling has been helping a lot. We are going together and separately on a weekly basis so we single-handidly supporting the therapist. And pretty much starving our children. But we are getting by. When I went this week to my individual appointment, the therapist said that since I am dealing with so much and am depressed about it (I'm still trying to accept that), that she wants me on medication. I'm still resistant to it, but am getting closer to accepting it. There are just so many thoughts in my head about it - many of which I will keep to myself because I don't want to offend anybody out there - so I don't know what to do about it. I know it will help and will make a difference and all of that, but I still just worry about it. I went through the exact same thing before I put my daughter on ADHD medication. Now, I can hardly stand her when she doesn't take it. (There's "Mom of the Year" for ya'.)
The good thing about it is that I've heard that it's an appetite suppressant so maybe if I do decide to start taking it at least I will be able to drop those last 10 pounds that have been haunting me. That will be a bonus. And another part of me will just be happy to have something to help me "take the easy way out" of this situation, if that makes any sense. Because the other "easy way outs of this situation" are just not feasible: suicide, putting a hit out on my husband, divorce. Or just plain kicking him in the nuts really hard. That last one is unbelievably tempting most days though.
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