Am I Expendable?

I consider Amy and I to be good friends. At this point, she is probably my best friend. I tell her everything from the problems my husband and I have to how overwhelmed and stressed out I really am with school, work, and the children. She is the one I call when something fun has happened and she is the one I call when I need to talk and cry my heart out. She makes me feel better and she tells me what I need to hear. We go shopping together, hang out, and have lunch together. She is my "person;" the one I turn to when I have no one else. Because I have no one else. I don't have other friends like that. I don't trust people, so I keep things to myself and am standoff-ish to other people in our neighboorhood. It had taken me a long time to trust her, to share my life with her, and to be such good friends with her. My problem is, is that she doesn't need me as nearly as bad as I need her. She doesn't call me when she is upset about her cancer or when her and her husband argue or when the kids are driving her crazy and it's too much for her. She doesn't dump all over me like I dump all over her with my problems, issues, and anxiety. She has other people for that.

She has a lot of good friends that come over and hang out with her. After she got done with one of her cancer surgeries, one of her other friends and saw her. I tried, but she said she didn't want to see anyone. It was later that I found out that her other friend did go and see her. I had surgery late last year and she came to see me and I let her in, but it wasn't vice versa. That hurt my feelings. The night before she had surgery, she had 5 people over at her house, including me. The night before my surgery, I cried alone.

I guess I just feel so insecure and unneeded. Expendable. She doesn't need me; she has other people, other friends - other people to confide in. It makes me wonder what she needs me for. In the end, she doesn't really need me. I could slip away and I don't know if anyone would even notice. I want her to reciprocate the friendship I offer to her; I want her to need me like I need her. I want a real, true friend that I know I can trust and who trusts me.

I Feel Inferior

So I am now in the recovery stage of getting my breast augmentation and tummy tuck done and holy junk, am I in pain. Is it worth it? I'm sure it is; just ask me again when the pain in gone and I can cough without severe pain. But what I want to write about is an entirely different subject. I have this good friend of mine who has been helping me out so much. She has brought me food, watched my kids, and even stripped my drains from the surgery site. Now that's friendship.

But I have such an inferiority complex around her. My friend is beautiful; not just beautiful, stunningly beautiful. In fact, we went to a Mary Kay seminar once and the hostess made the point to say how beautiful she is - on more than one occasion. It really didn't help my self-esteem. I don't hate her for her beauty, not in the least bit; I'm not even jealous of it. I just wish I didn't feel so inferior around her. And I often wonder why she even likes me. I always want to ask her that, but how in the world do you start that conversation: "So I have low self-esteem and you are so pretty and popular; why in the world do you like me?"

I know true friendship has nothing to do what on the outside, but I still can't help but wonder why she is always so nice to me. I really treasure her friendship and would never want to do anything to mess that up. And she is just so nice to me all of the time. She is the only person that will call me up out of the blue just to see how I am doing. And I can actually talk with her about it; I've never really had that before. I'm very guarded and keep things private and to myself, but with her, I feel like I can trust her with my secrets. So I really don't understand why I feel so inferior around her, I just know I do.

I'm Getting Plastic Surgery Done

Seeing how I live in a very conservative community, there is no way in the world I am going to announce to all of my neighbors that I am going in this week to get breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. But I am excited; I am hoping that I will finally have self-confidence and not feel like I have to hide my body behind fluffy sweaters and over-sized clothes. I not really overweight, but after my kids, my boobs hang down to my knees and my stomach overhangs on my pants. I hate it. I will only let my husband see my naked when the sun has gone completely down. And heaven forbid we ever actually have sex with the lights on or on top of the covers.

But along with my excitement, I am nervous too. I'm scared over how much it's going to hurt and if I went too big. The last thing I want is to have my boobs be the subject of the next playdate. Fortunately, I never have to go to those wretched things since I work. I keep going back and forth between "I am so excited to finally be doing this and I can't wait" to "Am I right to go in to debt for this and will I regret picking the size I did?" It really depends on the moment on how I am feeling. Right now, I am in the excited phase.

I am trying to get over the fact that there is the stigma that goes along with getting plastic surgery; more specifically, breast augmentation. I don't get it nor quite understand it. But I do know that I am slightly embarrassed by the fact that I am getting it done. And I am not looking for giant boobs that will get me a job in Vegas, but just "put-'em-back-where-they-belong-boobs." I want to feel confident and not embarrassed by the way I look. I am way too self-conscious to go swimming without a bunch of cover-ups. I have already bought this bathing suit that I am thrilled to be able to wear on my next trip to the beach. And I told my husband, if I feel like it, I may even run topless along the beach. In the dark of course. The thought of being that free and unembarrassed of my body excites me. I haven't felt that way since the day before I got pregnant with my first child nearly 11 years ago. I'm excited to be able to feel that way again.

Overall, I feel like I am making the right choice for me, not anyone else. I am going to have to deal with the stares, judgemental attitudes, and the behind my back talking, but that is nothing new around here. It is the land of stay-at-home-mommies after all and that's what they seem to like to do. I don't think I will be posting it on Facebook or telling everyone in my neighborhood that I am doing this. But I am also going to do my best to not be shamed by the fact that I am doing it. They can call me vain if they want, but they will also have to call me content with my body finally.

It's the End of the Line - Where Do I go From Here?

So I guess it's come to this. I don't want to be here. I still love him, but I cannot deal with his addiction any longer. So I am leaving. I've made a plan and now I just hope I have the guts to go through with it. I have no idea how I am going to survive with three children while working part-time and going to school full-time. I wish I wasn't such a moron that quit school all those years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. What a fool I was. I'm not wishing I never got married (at least not all of the time) because he is so amazing and kind and supportive and wonderful. But if he is not willing to give up his addiction for our marriage, I'm not going to sit around holding my breath anymore. And I am not going to live in terror and anxiety of his addiction. It's time to break free and stand on my own two feet. A part of me is hoping that he realizes what his addiction is doing to me and will finally be willing to give it up. The other part of me is terrified that he's not going to do that and I really am going to be alone for the first time in nearly 12 years.

I wonder if I am doing the right thing or if I am overreacting and the problem really lies with me. I just don't know. But I do want to send him a message that I am not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. And I think the only way to do that is to gather up the kids and just go. I am just so scared.

The V Word

I haven't written here in a while. I did end up going back to school at the local university and that has consumed much of my time. I hardly write on my regular blog either. But this is something that I just feel the need to anonymously blog about.

Last week, I got the mail and there was an envelope addressed to my husband. Doing what I always do, I opened it. And got quite the shock. Enclosed was information on the appointment my husband made - without telling me - to get a vasectomy next month. Now, let me set this up: he still wants another child; I don't - not even a little bit. I am done with having kids. Or so I thought. With this new information and him surprising me with it, my mind starting racing with thoughts like, "What if I do still want one, just later on? What if our family isn't complete and we should have another one?" This is so final (for the most part) which means that at the ripe ol' age of my (very) early 30's, I am never going to have another baby.

But I wrestle with the freedom that this also gives me. I will never again have to be pregnant - or even wonder if I am pregnant,or obsessively take dollar-store pregnancy tests. I won't have to think about staying home and nursing a baby, getting up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, or changing diapers. I won't have to worry about getting fat from being pregnant and trying to pretend that I love being pregnant when secretly I hate it more than anything in the world.

I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years now and with me going back to school and finally working on getting my degree, I am so anxious to get back into the work place and make money. That may sound greedy or superficial, but it's true: I like having the security of money and being able to buy things I want without feeling guilty about it. And I'm talking about $20 shoes from Payless Shoe Source, not Jimmy Choo shoes.

So this is it: I am done having children. And a part of me is sad about that. And that surprises me. Because, somehow I just know that if I did end up pregnant accidentally, I would loose it. Like, really loose it in every sense of the word. I don't like to even think about it - even doing that makes me start to feel a little anxious. So I guess there's my answer. And yet, there's still a part of me that's a little sad when I do think about it.

Going Back to School?

I am seriously thinking about going back to school. I am in my 30's with no real education; no bank-ability; no little abbreviated letters behind my name that say "I am worth something in the work world." But there is no money and I just hate going into debt for anything. Right now, we have a $3000 balance on a no interest credit card and it haunts me everyday.

I've thought about this intently for the past week and there are two things that really interest me: accounting and the travel industry. I would love to work for a travel agency, but a degree in accounting would give me more job possibilities. I would be okay with either one. The problem is that I would have to do online courses since going to school full-time isn't a possibility right now. And I am okay with that too.

I just worry. It's what I do. I worry about not liking the courses. I worry about making the wrong choice in my vocation. I worry about completing the program. I worry about getting overwhelmed and quitting the program. It's what I did 11 years ago when I was in school and engaged and working full time. I couldn't handle it and stopped going to school. It's still my biggest regret. I don't want to do that again, but now that I am a mom and have a household to run, and do the accounting for my husband's business, and volunteer, etc, etc, I worry that I am just going to get overwhelmed again and end up having to quit. One of my biggest faults is that I am easily overwhelmed. I can't handle a lot and get stressed out easily. I want to complete my schooling seeing how my kids are getting older and I am eventually going to have to get a job. I just worry about it all. It's what I do.

Decisions, Decisions

We have a choice to make and I'm not quite sure what to do. My husband just finished a job and we just got paid and we could either:

• 1) Be practical and save it (but where's the fun in that?);
• 2) Buy a used 4-wheeler (a life-long dream of my husband's);
• 3) Go on a cruise (which is something that I really want to do since our marriage is now on the mends and I want to start making new, good memories with him); or
• 4) Put it towards our credit card bill and cut that in half (ugh, again with the practicality).

It's not a whole bunch of money, but it not something that comes around very often. I'm leaning toward the cruise, but that only lasts a week whereas the 4-wheeler could be used for years to come. I just like to go on trips and escape my doldrum life. I'm selfish like that. But both of those things are wants, not needs. Saving for later or paying off the credit card is a need. It just doesn't seem as fun. And I like fun. And being unpractical sounds nice when all I ever am is practical.

Here's My List, Check it Twice

To my Dear Husband,
Will you please just do me a favor this year and just stick to the list that I give you? All I really want are some more scented candles (it helps to eradicate the stench you and the dog bring in after you go hunting - and it makes people think I actually cook), tickets to the show that is coming to town, and a new piano songbook. That's all. I don't need some big gift that "is going to make my life easier." Well, unless that thing is a maid. Or a Naked Chef. I hate having to act like what you got me, instead of what I really wanted, is some grand and fabulous thing that I couldn't live without. And that you are some great and manly man for coming up with this amazing gift. IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED! I don't mean to sound ungrateful; I just want simple things that I know I like. So please just do us both a favor and stick to the list.
--Your Wife
P.S. And I definitely don't need an avocado peeler so please just stop asking me if that's what I want.

I'm Offically the Grinch

Why is it that we are suppose to like Christmas. Frankly, it's my least favorite holiday of the year. Sure, there are good things that happen like kindness and gift-giving, but why can't that stuff happen in April or August. Christmas is just too much stress and pressure for me and I just don't like it. I'm the one who has to buy the presents for everyone: the kids; my family; his family. I'm the one who has to take care of the bills and the money. I'm the one who feels bad when I can only afford to get someone a $10 gift instead of a $20 one and I have to see their reaction of "Oh, how nice." I'm the one who has to wrap all of those dumb presents. I'm the one who has to write all of those blasted Christmas cards, address them, lick the nasty glue, and then mail them. I'm the one who has to come up with cute ideas to give to neighbors and then bake all that crap, which I really hate doing. It makes my kitchen messy and stresses me out. I just don't like any of it.

Why isn't it okay to not like Christmas? There are people who don't like Halloween and they don't get called names or looked down on. So what's the difference with Christmas? Why am I suppose to like doing all of this stuff when all I see it is as is a hassle and stressful? The only part I really like about Christmas is decorating the tree and seeing the kid's excitement when they open their few presents. Everything else is just a pain in my side that I just wish I could skip. I think I just might skip the cards and neighbor gifts this year. And I probably won't care one bit. Maybe, just maybe, my heart is 3 sizes too small.

Panic

My mom emailed me today. She said that due to medical problems - which she has a lot of - she is out of work and may be out of work for several months. She won't have any income either. So she asked if next month if she could come and visit. For a really long time. Or at least a couple of weeks. In my world, that is a really long time. Entirely too long. How in the world do I politely say, "Um, not a chance in the devil's lair." I like my mom. I like her 2 states, 1 layover, and over 800 miles away.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to go burn my house down so I have a legitimate excuse to say she can't come.

United Airlines is the Worst Airline

I am so unbelievably mad right now that I could just hit somebody. Preferably anyone who works at United Airlines. I had booked a ticket several months ago for a trip out East. It was a stellar deal and it only cost me $167 round trip with fees and everything. I was beyond excited. I was suppose to go this weekend, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I can't go. I checked the United website and it said that if you don't make your flight, the money spent for that flight is given as a credit to the next flight that you book. I figured that was fair and right and it made made feel better about not going.

So I called United to find out how it works to get my credit applied. After talking to the world's most illiterate computer for 15 minutes, I finally got to talk to a human. Who speaks English just about as well as a 2 week old baby. For the love, my little daughter speaks better than this person did. I could hardly understand what they were saying. But I did get the gist of what they were saying: Yes, I have $167 credit, BUT THEY CHARGE A $150 CHANGE FEE TO BOOK MY NEXT FLIGHT!!!! I am freakin' livid!!! So basically, I have a $17 credit. I can't even check a bag for that. Idiots.

And to put the giant pickle on the crap sandwich, I had booked it through Expedia and after contacting them, they informed me that they also charge a fee. Of $30. Perfect. So if I want to book a new flight using the $167 credit I already paid to United, it's gonna cost me $180. Tell me how that is fair!?!! I WILL NEVER BOOK A FLIGHT WITH UNITED AGAIN - no matter how cheap the airfare is. Uggghhhh, I need to go punch something.

Joining the Ranks

Man, these past few weeks have been tough. I'm still here though. Even though the thought of killing myself and/or killing my husband have been very tempting in the past little while. Not in a teenager suicidal sort of way; just a this-is-a-lot-to-handle-and-I-want-it-all-to-go-away sort of way. And at times, I fully believed my husband deserved to die. Or at least get a really good kick in the nuts.

Counseling has been helping a lot. We are going together and separately on a weekly basis so we single-handidly supporting the therapist. And pretty much starving our children. But we are getting by. When I went this week to my individual appointment, the therapist said that since I am dealing with so much and am depressed about it (I'm still trying to accept that), that she wants me on medication. I'm still resistant to it, but am getting closer to accepting it. There are just so many thoughts in my head about it - many of which I will keep to myself because I don't want to offend anybody out there - so I don't know what to do about it. I know it will help and will make a difference and all of that, but I still just worry about it. I went through the exact same thing before I put my daughter on ADHD medication. Now, I can hardly stand her when she doesn't take it. (There's "Mom of the Year" for ya'.)

The good thing about it is that I've heard that it's an appetite suppressant so maybe if I do decide to start taking it at least I will be able to drop those last 10 pounds that have been haunting me. That will be a bonus. And another part of me will just be happy to have something to help me "take the easy way out" of this situation, if that makes any sense. Because the other "easy way outs of this situation" are just not feasible: suicide, putting a hit out on my husband, divorce. Or just plain kicking him in the nuts really hard. That last one is unbelievably tempting most days though.

What a Load of Crap

It may be because I am going though a difficult time right now, but I am having a hard time reading other people's regular blogs and all about how damn "happy" they are. What a load of crap! No body is that freakin' happy and blissful all of the time. Which is why I come here and let my true self out....

Even though my regular blog is private, I do let some outbursts out. Nothing along the lines of what I am dealing with right now because I seriously do not need my friends and family to know what is going on behind these walls. But even then, I do let a little more of my "true" self out in the blog than some people and their stupid happy blogs. I find it annoying and so I read very few of them. But even my friends and family can annoy me sometimes with how all happy they are. Or at least convey to be.

But I am having a hard time writing anything on my regular blog right now. Even the good things or good times. And then I get hounded by people asking why I am not updating my blog. Well, it's because my life sucks right now and am going through something wildly difficult and unimaginable and am having a bit of a hard time finding the joy in all of this.

I'm just going to go sit under my little black rain cloud now. I kinda like it there....

5 Stages

I really feel as if I am going through the 5 stages of grief with this whole sex addiction thing. At first it was denial; that was quite obvious in my last post. Then came the anger. Raging, I-want-to-bash-his-face-in anger. Even thought about just blowing it all off, gathering up the kids from school and moving out. Tell the kids we are going on a little trip and get to stay in a hotel for awhile and then serve the bastard with divorce papers before he even got home from work. Good thing that passed over quickly. Me and rage are not a good combination. I think I must be in the bargaining/depression stage at this point. I am thinking that we may be able to work through this, as long as he gets help. That'll be tricky though; first he has to admit there is a problem. And that is not going to go over well, I think. I made the appointment for a marriage counselor for the beginning of next week and just told him that we are going. End of story. His response? "Well, if that's what you need." AHHHHHHHHHH, I think I may have regressed back to anger for a little bit longer.

And now, I'm just sad. Sad over having to deal with this. Sad over the way I have been treated for all of these years. Sad over how the future is going to be for us; how rocky and unimaginably hellish it's going to be. Unhopeful. Scared. Discouraged. I guess the therapist wasn't too far off with her diagnosis of depression. Haven't quite fully accepted it, but getting there.

The frustrating thing is, is that he really doesn't think he has a problem. That what he does is "normal." I really don't know what is normal or not anymore. I know this may sound a little odd to everyone, but I kinda just wish that it was just a porn addiction. That is something tangible and he would know that what he does is wrong and I could put a lot of blame onto that. But sex addiction is different. He does things to me that I don't like. Makes me have sex with him because he "needs" it. But it's never enough for him; he's always itching for more. No wonder why I feel like I am never good enough. As of late, I just do it to shut him up and then go into the bathroom and just silently cry. And then I blame him, not some arbitrary naked chick on a nasty website like with a porn addiction.

Some days are good, and some are bad. There are days when I could easily castrate him and not think twice about it and then other days when I actually like him. It's so back and forth and such a hard struggle. This is not going to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if it will even be worth it, and other times when I want it to get better because deep down, there is some small, tiny inkling of love still left for him. He is so good to me in all other aspects of our marriage. It's just this one dark spot that is beginning to overtake all of the good. I just want it to be good again because I am not ready to destroy this marriage and family just yet. As long as he is willing to get help. And as they say, Only time will tell....

Confusion

It's been a hard week for me. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the labels of "depression" and "sex addict." And with the up and down week that I've had, I am having a hard time accepting those terms and am wondering how accurate they really are. I don't see myself as "depressed." I've seen those commercials for depression medication of the people who are depressed and who can't get out of bed, cry uncontrollable, and who just sit and watch their life go by. I'm not like that. I'm not the one sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the rain fall outside; I'm the one who is out in the rain playing in the puddles with my kids. I don't have a hard time getting out of bed; I hardly cry; I'm not sitting around watching my life go by. I'm living it. So I don't see myself as depressed.

I do think that I am cynical though and a bit bored with my life. I do feel stuck in my life as a stay at home mom. But I know that will pass. I don't know when, and that tends to pull me down a bit, but not down to the depths of depression where I feel all hopeless and miserable. I've always been a "glass-half-empty" kinda girl; no matter which way I look at that glass, it's always going to be half-empty to me. So I know that my outlook on life is pessimistic, but I don't know if I would use the term: depressed. It's all very confusing for me.

I'm also confused on the status of my marriage with my husband and the term sex addict. Maybe I was wrong in all of it. Maybe the problem does lie with me and not my husband. I just don't know. He has been quite nice to me these past few days and things have been going well between us. So maybe it is just my perception of him and our marriage. It goes back to that glass-half-empty thing where I just see things in a negative light. Maybe he was right in all of this and the problems are all mine and not him. I just don't know. Maybe our marriage isn't as bad as I thought it was. Maybe he's not a sex addict and he's just a guy. Maybe the problems do lie with me and I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was. Maybe I do just need the therapy and we don't really need marriage counseling.

Nothing makes sense to me right now. And I'm so confused on everything now.

How It Went

I went to the therapist this week and it went really well. I was so nervous and jittery before I went because I was worried about what to say to her, if I would like her, if I was really help-able and if she could really help me. She was so good and understanding and helpful. I think the sessions are going to go well and that she will be able to help me.

Some surprising things came out in the session that I didn't see coming: the first being that I have moderate depression - that is borderline severe. I never saw myself as that way; I just figured that I was having trouble dealing and coping with all that is being thrown at me. I don't want to take the medication route yet; I just don't think it's for me. And especially with what Constance the First has said about starting her medication and with what my mom has told me about trying to get off the medication, I'm not quite sure that I would want to go through that. I know what people are going to say: it's so worth it and makes a difference, but for me I would like to attack this with the therapy and learn how to deal with the situation better rather than just turning to medication. I hope that I don't offend anyone by saying that; I know it works for many people, I'm just not ready to try it yet.

The other very surprising thing that my therapist said was that she thinks that my husband has a sex addiction. We talked about it a lot and I just thought the things that he did were just because "he's a guy;" that's what men do and the problem lies with me. But it's not that way at all. When I started putting my foot down and saying no to some of the stuff that he was doing to me, the marriage started to fall apart. I thought it was my fault. It was such a relief to know that it's not that way at all. I know that I am at fault with some things, but not in this department. She wants me to talk to him about it, but that is going to be a little tricky. I still haven't told him yet that I am seeing a therapist. So I can imagine the conversation is going to go something like this:

Me: Hey Husband, my new friend that I pay to talk to thinks you may have a sex addiction.
Him: I think your new friend is demented and delusional.
Me: That's funny. She thinks the same about you.

So now, this problem has just become a lot more complicated. It's not just me not dealing well with life, it's depression, sex addiction, and a failing marriage. Somehow, I have to figure out how to convince him to go to marriage counseling and then maybe even some counseling for him. That's not going to go over well. And the fact that the therapist wants to see me once a week along with marriage counseling, I'm not sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it all. I'm not ready to let this marriage fall by the wayside and I want to fight for it, so I will do what I can and try to make the money work. And now, I am actually looking forward to my appointment next week.

I Made the Appointment

I made an appointment with the therapist for this week. I'm nervous to go, but I think it will be good. I haven't told my husband about yet because I know he would just be mad over the money. But this is something that I need and will benefit from and will just have to deal with the repercussions later. Especially the financial ones. The money really isn't there, but that's just something I will have to work with. I also wish that he would go to marriage counseling too with me but he doesn't think that we need it. I think that's just silly. We are not working well together and he thinks that it's just me that is the problem. I have problems - know that, but it's not all me. I want to work it out and fall in love with him again. Right now, I would just settle for liking him.

A Volcano of Rage

My husband is such a blazing idiot. I so want to deck him right now. And over the stupidest thing too: his cell phone. But it's not just his cell phone, it's what a blazing idiot he is about the cell phone. Here's the deal: He goes through a new cell phone about every year and a half; he's hard on them. I get that by now and it's fine. So he broke his today and needed to go get a new one. I knew as soon as he said that that I was in trouble.

He went and bought a new one. A $250 new one!!!! And normally that wouldn't be a big deal. Except for the fact that I just told him the other day that we are $600 short this month and I don't know how we are going to pay for everything. And Christmas is coming up really fast and we have kids that actually like that holiday and want stuff. I really don't know how we are going to pay for it.

And to put the cherry on top, one of the offices that he works for dropped him this past week. (He is self-employed and works at several different businesses). That was $1000 that we are used to that is no longer going to be there every month. Chalk it up to the recession. That is a big hit to our finances. But apparently, he didn't get that message and went and spent half of our gasoline budget for a month on a stupid new cell phone.

To make it worse, he got the high end, super high tech one that has a full keyboard and can apparently do so many things that he just couldn't live without it. Too bad I can't program it to smack him upside his head. But here's the kicker: he doesn't even know how to text, nor does he even have an email address; he's not very technically inclined (as it is, he is over there on the couch trying to figure out how to use the fast forward button on the new remote to the DVD player). He said that he would just use my email address. Whatever, craphead. I really don't want to have to sift through all of your work crap to get to the good emails from my friends.

I know, I know, I can just set him up on his own account. But I'm not going to. You wanna know why? Not because I am the angry, evil bitch of a wife, but because he didn't want to have to pay extra to have internet service on the phone so he only has it free for one month because he "knows we don't have the money". As it stands, our cell phone bill is already over a hundred bucks a month. But he said that he would use it for that month. Well, there you go. That totally makes up for the $250 that we don't have. Idiot.

But secretly, I am glad that he didn't sign up for the internet service for one simple reason: porn. I am worried that if he has access to that that I don't have the ability to filter that he will become addicted to it again. And frankly, our marriage couldn't handle that level of mistrust again. It's still - and always - in the back of my mind. But that is a whole 'nother post for another day.

I just wish that he could see that we don't have that kind of money for that damn cell phone right now. Food and gas seem a little more important than a fancy schmancy phone, that basically is only really gonna do cool stuff - that you don't know how to use - for a month and then, you'll be stuck with just a regular ol' cell phone that just does boring stuff, like make phone calls. You know, he has lived with "just phone calls" for years and years now, it just seems asinine to drop all that money for the damn thing that he'll just break in a year and a half anyway.

Besides, that $250 could have easily paid for two months of the therapy that I sure as hell need more than ever now. But that isn't as important apparently as having a full keyboard and emailing for an entire month. He is such a blazing idiot.

I Wish

I have been having trouble lately and a friend of mine recommended a good therapist that she and her husband went and saw last year. I would like to go and see her and have someone to talk to in a safe environment and to have someone help me with what's going on in my life right now. But we don't have the money. Not even close to what it would cost to even see her once a month. And of course, our lousy insurance won't cover "mental health" issues. Great. So my heart is beating just fine, but my brain is going crazy. And there is nothing I can do to help it. It's not the kind of situation that I could just talk to my friends about; it's something much more personal than that or care to share with someone I know outside of a safe office. I want to go see a therapist to help me work through it; to get a professional, new perspective on it and give me ways to help solve it. But we are stuck in the land of "barely-making-it" and having an extra expense just isn't the best thing right now.

Besides, I think the idea of me going to a therapist is more than my husband can handle. I've always been able to solve problems on my own and able to survive and get by. But this is bothering me way too much and too difficult for me to solve on my own. So the fact that, if I do go, I would have to hide it from my husband - for at least a while until I feel safe and comfortable enough to tell him - is scary to me. I don't want to have to keep this kind of secret from him, but at the same time, I don't want to continue in pain and anguish and try to hide it from everyone. I guess either way I am keeping a secret from him; it's just easier to hide the pain and sorrow than it is to hide the credit card bill.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you are so angry with your child that you want to hurt them? I've blogged about my middle daughter before and how incredibly difficult she is and today is a day that it is taking every ounce of restrain to not lash out at her and make her feel as miserable as miserable as she is making me right now. I can't stand her right now and I wish that she wasn't my child. I think it's official: I win the "Worst Mother of the Year" award. I should just go ahead and make it the "Worst Mother of the Century;" it's that bad today. Bedtime cannot get here fast enough tonight. I wonder how bad it would be to just move the clocks ahead a few hours just so that it will get here faster. I just don't want to be a mother right now and am wondering why in the hell I had kids in the first place.