So I guess it's come to this. I don't want to be here. I still love him, but I cannot deal with his addiction any longer. So I am leaving. I've made a plan and now I just hope I have the guts to go through with it. I have no idea how I am going to survive with three children while working part-time and going to school full-time. I wish I wasn't such a moron that quit school all those years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. What a fool I was. I'm not wishing I never got married (at least not all of the time) because he is so amazing and kind and supportive and wonderful. But if he is not willing to give up his addiction for our marriage, I'm not going to sit around holding my breath anymore. And I am not going to live in terror and anxiety of his addiction. It's time to break free and stand on my own two feet. A part of me is hoping that he realizes what his addiction is doing to me and will finally be willing to give it up. The other part of me is terrified that he's not going to do that and I really am going to be alone for the first time in nearly 12 years.
I wonder if I am doing the right thing or if I am overreacting and the problem really lies with me. I just don't know. But I do want to send him a message that I am not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. And I think the only way to do that is to gather up the kids and just go. I am just so scared.
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1 comment:
Oh, what a huge and scary time for you, and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.
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