The V Word

I haven't written here in a while. I did end up going back to school at the local university and that has consumed much of my time. I hardly write on my regular blog either. But this is something that I just feel the need to anonymously blog about.

Last week, I got the mail and there was an envelope addressed to my husband. Doing what I always do, I opened it. And got quite the shock. Enclosed was information on the appointment my husband made - without telling me - to get a vasectomy next month. Now, let me set this up: he still wants another child; I don't - not even a little bit. I am done with having kids. Or so I thought. With this new information and him surprising me with it, my mind starting racing with thoughts like, "What if I do still want one, just later on? What if our family isn't complete and we should have another one?" This is so final (for the most part) which means that at the ripe ol' age of my (very) early 30's, I am never going to have another baby.

But I wrestle with the freedom that this also gives me. I will never again have to be pregnant - or even wonder if I am pregnant,or obsessively take dollar-store pregnancy tests. I won't have to think about staying home and nursing a baby, getting up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, or changing diapers. I won't have to worry about getting fat from being pregnant and trying to pretend that I love being pregnant when secretly I hate it more than anything in the world.

I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years now and with me going back to school and finally working on getting my degree, I am so anxious to get back into the work place and make money. That may sound greedy or superficial, but it's true: I like having the security of money and being able to buy things I want without feeling guilty about it. And I'm talking about $20 shoes from Payless Shoe Source, not Jimmy Choo shoes.

So this is it: I am done having children. And a part of me is sad about that. And that surprises me. Because, somehow I just know that if I did end up pregnant accidentally, I would loose it. Like, really loose it in every sense of the word. I don't like to even think about it - even doing that makes me start to feel a little anxious. So I guess there's my answer. And yet, there's still a part of me that's a little sad when I do think about it.