United Airlines is the Worst Airline

I am so unbelievably mad right now that I could just hit somebody. Preferably anyone who works at United Airlines. I had booked a ticket several months ago for a trip out East. It was a stellar deal and it only cost me $167 round trip with fees and everything. I was beyond excited. I was suppose to go this weekend, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I can't go. I checked the United website and it said that if you don't make your flight, the money spent for that flight is given as a credit to the next flight that you book. I figured that was fair and right and it made made feel better about not going.

So I called United to find out how it works to get my credit applied. After talking to the world's most illiterate computer for 15 minutes, I finally got to talk to a human. Who speaks English just about as well as a 2 week old baby. For the love, my little daughter speaks better than this person did. I could hardly understand what they were saying. But I did get the gist of what they were saying: Yes, I have $167 credit, BUT THEY CHARGE A $150 CHANGE FEE TO BOOK MY NEXT FLIGHT!!!! I am freakin' livid!!! So basically, I have a $17 credit. I can't even check a bag for that. Idiots.

And to put the giant pickle on the crap sandwich, I had booked it through Expedia and after contacting them, they informed me that they also charge a fee. Of $30. Perfect. So if I want to book a new flight using the $167 credit I already paid to United, it's gonna cost me $180. Tell me how that is fair!?!! I WILL NEVER BOOK A FLIGHT WITH UNITED AGAIN - no matter how cheap the airfare is. Uggghhhh, I need to go punch something.

Joining the Ranks

Man, these past few weeks have been tough. I'm still here though. Even though the thought of killing myself and/or killing my husband have been very tempting in the past little while. Not in a teenager suicidal sort of way; just a this-is-a-lot-to-handle-and-I-want-it-all-to-go-away sort of way. And at times, I fully believed my husband deserved to die. Or at least get a really good kick in the nuts.

Counseling has been helping a lot. We are going together and separately on a weekly basis so we single-handidly supporting the therapist. And pretty much starving our children. But we are getting by. When I went this week to my individual appointment, the therapist said that since I am dealing with so much and am depressed about it (I'm still trying to accept that), that she wants me on medication. I'm still resistant to it, but am getting closer to accepting it. There are just so many thoughts in my head about it - many of which I will keep to myself because I don't want to offend anybody out there - so I don't know what to do about it. I know it will help and will make a difference and all of that, but I still just worry about it. I went through the exact same thing before I put my daughter on ADHD medication. Now, I can hardly stand her when she doesn't take it. (There's "Mom of the Year" for ya'.)

The good thing about it is that I've heard that it's an appetite suppressant so maybe if I do decide to start taking it at least I will be able to drop those last 10 pounds that have been haunting me. That will be a bonus. And another part of me will just be happy to have something to help me "take the easy way out" of this situation, if that makes any sense. Because the other "easy way outs of this situation" are just not feasible: suicide, putting a hit out on my husband, divorce. Or just plain kicking him in the nuts really hard. That last one is unbelievably tempting most days though.

What a Load of Crap

It may be because I am going though a difficult time right now, but I am having a hard time reading other people's regular blogs and all about how damn "happy" they are. What a load of crap! No body is that freakin' happy and blissful all of the time. Which is why I come here and let my true self out....

Even though my regular blog is private, I do let some outbursts out. Nothing along the lines of what I am dealing with right now because I seriously do not need my friends and family to know what is going on behind these walls. But even then, I do let a little more of my "true" self out in the blog than some people and their stupid happy blogs. I find it annoying and so I read very few of them. But even my friends and family can annoy me sometimes with how all happy they are. Or at least convey to be.

But I am having a hard time writing anything on my regular blog right now. Even the good things or good times. And then I get hounded by people asking why I am not updating my blog. Well, it's because my life sucks right now and am going through something wildly difficult and unimaginable and am having a bit of a hard time finding the joy in all of this.

I'm just going to go sit under my little black rain cloud now. I kinda like it there....

5 Stages

I really feel as if I am going through the 5 stages of grief with this whole sex addiction thing. At first it was denial; that was quite obvious in my last post. Then came the anger. Raging, I-want-to-bash-his-face-in anger. Even thought about just blowing it all off, gathering up the kids from school and moving out. Tell the kids we are going on a little trip and get to stay in a hotel for awhile and then serve the bastard with divorce papers before he even got home from work. Good thing that passed over quickly. Me and rage are not a good combination. I think I must be in the bargaining/depression stage at this point. I am thinking that we may be able to work through this, as long as he gets help. That'll be tricky though; first he has to admit there is a problem. And that is not going to go over well, I think. I made the appointment for a marriage counselor for the beginning of next week and just told him that we are going. End of story. His response? "Well, if that's what you need." AHHHHHHHHHH, I think I may have regressed back to anger for a little bit longer.

And now, I'm just sad. Sad over having to deal with this. Sad over the way I have been treated for all of these years. Sad over how the future is going to be for us; how rocky and unimaginably hellish it's going to be. Unhopeful. Scared. Discouraged. I guess the therapist wasn't too far off with her diagnosis of depression. Haven't quite fully accepted it, but getting there.

The frustrating thing is, is that he really doesn't think he has a problem. That what he does is "normal." I really don't know what is normal or not anymore. I know this may sound a little odd to everyone, but I kinda just wish that it was just a porn addiction. That is something tangible and he would know that what he does is wrong and I could put a lot of blame onto that. But sex addiction is different. He does things to me that I don't like. Makes me have sex with him because he "needs" it. But it's never enough for him; he's always itching for more. No wonder why I feel like I am never good enough. As of late, I just do it to shut him up and then go into the bathroom and just silently cry. And then I blame him, not some arbitrary naked chick on a nasty website like with a porn addiction.

Some days are good, and some are bad. There are days when I could easily castrate him and not think twice about it and then other days when I actually like him. It's so back and forth and such a hard struggle. This is not going to be easy. Sometimes I wonder if it will even be worth it, and other times when I want it to get better because deep down, there is some small, tiny inkling of love still left for him. He is so good to me in all other aspects of our marriage. It's just this one dark spot that is beginning to overtake all of the good. I just want it to be good again because I am not ready to destroy this marriage and family just yet. As long as he is willing to get help. And as they say, Only time will tell....

Confusion

It's been a hard week for me. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the labels of "depression" and "sex addict." And with the up and down week that I've had, I am having a hard time accepting those terms and am wondering how accurate they really are. I don't see myself as "depressed." I've seen those commercials for depression medication of the people who are depressed and who can't get out of bed, cry uncontrollable, and who just sit and watch their life go by. I'm not like that. I'm not the one sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching the rain fall outside; I'm the one who is out in the rain playing in the puddles with my kids. I don't have a hard time getting out of bed; I hardly cry; I'm not sitting around watching my life go by. I'm living it. So I don't see myself as depressed.

I do think that I am cynical though and a bit bored with my life. I do feel stuck in my life as a stay at home mom. But I know that will pass. I don't know when, and that tends to pull me down a bit, but not down to the depths of depression where I feel all hopeless and miserable. I've always been a "glass-half-empty" kinda girl; no matter which way I look at that glass, it's always going to be half-empty to me. So I know that my outlook on life is pessimistic, but I don't know if I would use the term: depressed. It's all very confusing for me.

I'm also confused on the status of my marriage with my husband and the term sex addict. Maybe I was wrong in all of it. Maybe the problem does lie with me and not my husband. I just don't know. He has been quite nice to me these past few days and things have been going well between us. So maybe it is just my perception of him and our marriage. It goes back to that glass-half-empty thing where I just see things in a negative light. Maybe he was right in all of this and the problems are all mine and not him. I just don't know. Maybe our marriage isn't as bad as I thought it was. Maybe he's not a sex addict and he's just a guy. Maybe the problems do lie with me and I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was. Maybe I do just need the therapy and we don't really need marriage counseling.

Nothing makes sense to me right now. And I'm so confused on everything now.

How It Went

I went to the therapist this week and it went really well. I was so nervous and jittery before I went because I was worried about what to say to her, if I would like her, if I was really help-able and if she could really help me. She was so good and understanding and helpful. I think the sessions are going to go well and that she will be able to help me.

Some surprising things came out in the session that I didn't see coming: the first being that I have moderate depression - that is borderline severe. I never saw myself as that way; I just figured that I was having trouble dealing and coping with all that is being thrown at me. I don't want to take the medication route yet; I just don't think it's for me. And especially with what Constance the First has said about starting her medication and with what my mom has told me about trying to get off the medication, I'm not quite sure that I would want to go through that. I know what people are going to say: it's so worth it and makes a difference, but for me I would like to attack this with the therapy and learn how to deal with the situation better rather than just turning to medication. I hope that I don't offend anyone by saying that; I know it works for many people, I'm just not ready to try it yet.

The other very surprising thing that my therapist said was that she thinks that my husband has a sex addiction. We talked about it a lot and I just thought the things that he did were just because "he's a guy;" that's what men do and the problem lies with me. But it's not that way at all. When I started putting my foot down and saying no to some of the stuff that he was doing to me, the marriage started to fall apart. I thought it was my fault. It was such a relief to know that it's not that way at all. I know that I am at fault with some things, but not in this department. She wants me to talk to him about it, but that is going to be a little tricky. I still haven't told him yet that I am seeing a therapist. So I can imagine the conversation is going to go something like this:

Me: Hey Husband, my new friend that I pay to talk to thinks you may have a sex addiction.
Him: I think your new friend is demented and delusional.
Me: That's funny. She thinks the same about you.

So now, this problem has just become a lot more complicated. It's not just me not dealing well with life, it's depression, sex addiction, and a failing marriage. Somehow, I have to figure out how to convince him to go to marriage counseling and then maybe even some counseling for him. That's not going to go over well. And the fact that the therapist wants to see me once a week along with marriage counseling, I'm not sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it all. I'm not ready to let this marriage fall by the wayside and I want to fight for it, so I will do what I can and try to make the money work. And now, I am actually looking forward to my appointment next week.

I Made the Appointment

I made an appointment with the therapist for this week. I'm nervous to go, but I think it will be good. I haven't told my husband about yet because I know he would just be mad over the money. But this is something that I need and will benefit from and will just have to deal with the repercussions later. Especially the financial ones. The money really isn't there, but that's just something I will have to work with. I also wish that he would go to marriage counseling too with me but he doesn't think that we need it. I think that's just silly. We are not working well together and he thinks that it's just me that is the problem. I have problems - know that, but it's not all me. I want to work it out and fall in love with him again. Right now, I would just settle for liking him.