I Feel Inferior

So I am now in the recovery stage of getting my breast augmentation and tummy tuck done and holy junk, am I in pain. Is it worth it? I'm sure it is; just ask me again when the pain in gone and I can cough without severe pain. But what I want to write about is an entirely different subject. I have this good friend of mine who has been helping me out so much. She has brought me food, watched my kids, and even stripped my drains from the surgery site. Now that's friendship.

But I have such an inferiority complex around her. My friend is beautiful; not just beautiful, stunningly beautiful. In fact, we went to a Mary Kay seminar once and the hostess made the point to say how beautiful she is - on more than one occasion. It really didn't help my self-esteem. I don't hate her for her beauty, not in the least bit; I'm not even jealous of it. I just wish I didn't feel so inferior around her. And I often wonder why she even likes me. I always want to ask her that, but how in the world do you start that conversation: "So I have low self-esteem and you are so pretty and popular; why in the world do you like me?"

I know true friendship has nothing to do what on the outside, but I still can't help but wonder why she is always so nice to me. I really treasure her friendship and would never want to do anything to mess that up. And she is just so nice to me all of the time. She is the only person that will call me up out of the blue just to see how I am doing. And I can actually talk with her about it; I've never really had that before. I'm very guarded and keep things private and to myself, but with her, I feel like I can trust her with my secrets. So I really don't understand why I feel so inferior around her, I just know I do.

I'm Getting Plastic Surgery Done

Seeing how I live in a very conservative community, there is no way in the world I am going to announce to all of my neighbors that I am going in this week to get breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. But I am excited; I am hoping that I will finally have self-confidence and not feel like I have to hide my body behind fluffy sweaters and over-sized clothes. I not really overweight, but after my kids, my boobs hang down to my knees and my stomach overhangs on my pants. I hate it. I will only let my husband see my naked when the sun has gone completely down. And heaven forbid we ever actually have sex with the lights on or on top of the covers.

But along with my excitement, I am nervous too. I'm scared over how much it's going to hurt and if I went too big. The last thing I want is to have my boobs be the subject of the next playdate. Fortunately, I never have to go to those wretched things since I work. I keep going back and forth between "I am so excited to finally be doing this and I can't wait" to "Am I right to go in to debt for this and will I regret picking the size I did?" It really depends on the moment on how I am feeling. Right now, I am in the excited phase.

I am trying to get over the fact that there is the stigma that goes along with getting plastic surgery; more specifically, breast augmentation. I don't get it nor quite understand it. But I do know that I am slightly embarrassed by the fact that I am getting it done. And I am not looking for giant boobs that will get me a job in Vegas, but just "put-'em-back-where-they-belong-boobs." I want to feel confident and not embarrassed by the way I look. I am way too self-conscious to go swimming without a bunch of cover-ups. I have already bought this bathing suit that I am thrilled to be able to wear on my next trip to the beach. And I told my husband, if I feel like it, I may even run topless along the beach. In the dark of course. The thought of being that free and unembarrassed of my body excites me. I haven't felt that way since the day before I got pregnant with my first child nearly 11 years ago. I'm excited to be able to feel that way again.

Overall, I feel like I am making the right choice for me, not anyone else. I am going to have to deal with the stares, judgemental attitudes, and the behind my back talking, but that is nothing new around here. It is the land of stay-at-home-mommies after all and that's what they seem to like to do. I don't think I will be posting it on Facebook or telling everyone in my neighborhood that I am doing this. But I am also going to do my best to not be shamed by the fact that I am doing it. They can call me vain if they want, but they will also have to call me content with my body finally.

It's the End of the Line - Where Do I go From Here?

So I guess it's come to this. I don't want to be here. I still love him, but I cannot deal with his addiction any longer. So I am leaving. I've made a plan and now I just hope I have the guts to go through with it. I have no idea how I am going to survive with three children while working part-time and going to school full-time. I wish I wasn't such a moron that quit school all those years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. What a fool I was. I'm not wishing I never got married (at least not all of the time) because he is so amazing and kind and supportive and wonderful. But if he is not willing to give up his addiction for our marriage, I'm not going to sit around holding my breath anymore. And I am not going to live in terror and anxiety of his addiction. It's time to break free and stand on my own two feet. A part of me is hoping that he realizes what his addiction is doing to me and will finally be willing to give it up. The other part of me is terrified that he's not going to do that and I really am going to be alone for the first time in nearly 12 years.

I wonder if I am doing the right thing or if I am overreacting and the problem really lies with me. I just don't know. But I do want to send him a message that I am not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. And I think the only way to do that is to gather up the kids and just go. I am just so scared.

The V Word

I haven't written here in a while. I did end up going back to school at the local university and that has consumed much of my time. I hardly write on my regular blog either. But this is something that I just feel the need to anonymously blog about.

Last week, I got the mail and there was an envelope addressed to my husband. Doing what I always do, I opened it. And got quite the shock. Enclosed was information on the appointment my husband made - without telling me - to get a vasectomy next month. Now, let me set this up: he still wants another child; I don't - not even a little bit. I am done with having kids. Or so I thought. With this new information and him surprising me with it, my mind starting racing with thoughts like, "What if I do still want one, just later on? What if our family isn't complete and we should have another one?" This is so final (for the most part) which means that at the ripe ol' age of my (very) early 30's, I am never going to have another baby.

But I wrestle with the freedom that this also gives me. I will never again have to be pregnant - or even wonder if I am pregnant,or obsessively take dollar-store pregnancy tests. I won't have to think about staying home and nursing a baby, getting up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, or changing diapers. I won't have to worry about getting fat from being pregnant and trying to pretend that I love being pregnant when secretly I hate it more than anything in the world.

I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years now and with me going back to school and finally working on getting my degree, I am so anxious to get back into the work place and make money. That may sound greedy or superficial, but it's true: I like having the security of money and being able to buy things I want without feeling guilty about it. And I'm talking about $20 shoes from Payless Shoe Source, not Jimmy Choo shoes.

So this is it: I am done having children. And a part of me is sad about that. And that surprises me. Because, somehow I just know that if I did end up pregnant accidentally, I would loose it. Like, really loose it in every sense of the word. I don't like to even think about it - even doing that makes me start to feel a little anxious. So I guess there's my answer. And yet, there's still a part of me that's a little sad when I do think about it.

Going Back to School?

I am seriously thinking about going back to school. I am in my 30's with no real education; no bank-ability; no little abbreviated letters behind my name that say "I am worth something in the work world." But there is no money and I just hate going into debt for anything. Right now, we have a $3000 balance on a no interest credit card and it haunts me everyday.

I've thought about this intently for the past week and there are two things that really interest me: accounting and the travel industry. I would love to work for a travel agency, but a degree in accounting would give me more job possibilities. I would be okay with either one. The problem is that I would have to do online courses since going to school full-time isn't a possibility right now. And I am okay with that too.

I just worry. It's what I do. I worry about not liking the courses. I worry about making the wrong choice in my vocation. I worry about completing the program. I worry about getting overwhelmed and quitting the program. It's what I did 11 years ago when I was in school and engaged and working full time. I couldn't handle it and stopped going to school. It's still my biggest regret. I don't want to do that again, but now that I am a mom and have a household to run, and do the accounting for my husband's business, and volunteer, etc, etc, I worry that I am just going to get overwhelmed again and end up having to quit. One of my biggest faults is that I am easily overwhelmed. I can't handle a lot and get stressed out easily. I want to complete my schooling seeing how my kids are getting older and I am eventually going to have to get a job. I just worry about it all. It's what I do.

Decisions, Decisions

We have a choice to make and I'm not quite sure what to do. My husband just finished a job and we just got paid and we could either:

• 1) Be practical and save it (but where's the fun in that?);
• 2) Buy a used 4-wheeler (a life-long dream of my husband's);
• 3) Go on a cruise (which is something that I really want to do since our marriage is now on the mends and I want to start making new, good memories with him); or
• 4) Put it towards our credit card bill and cut that in half (ugh, again with the practicality).

It's not a whole bunch of money, but it not something that comes around very often. I'm leaning toward the cruise, but that only lasts a week whereas the 4-wheeler could be used for years to come. I just like to go on trips and escape my doldrum life. I'm selfish like that. But both of those things are wants, not needs. Saving for later or paying off the credit card is a need. It just doesn't seem as fun. And I like fun. And being unpractical sounds nice when all I ever am is practical.

Here's My List, Check it Twice

To my Dear Husband,
Will you please just do me a favor this year and just stick to the list that I give you? All I really want are some more scented candles (it helps to eradicate the stench you and the dog bring in after you go hunting - and it makes people think I actually cook), tickets to the show that is coming to town, and a new piano songbook. That's all. I don't need some big gift that "is going to make my life easier." Well, unless that thing is a maid. Or a Naked Chef. I hate having to act like what you got me, instead of what I really wanted, is some grand and fabulous thing that I couldn't live without. And that you are some great and manly man for coming up with this amazing gift. IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED! I don't mean to sound ungrateful; I just want simple things that I know I like. So please just do us both a favor and stick to the list.
--Your Wife
P.S. And I definitely don't need an avocado peeler so please just stop asking me if that's what I want.