Yes, I Noticed

Dear Husband,
Yes, I noticed when you actually put the dishes in the dishwasher AND folded the laundry. But that doesn't make me automatically so turned on that I have rip my clothes off like the Hulk and jump your bones. Just because I didn't immediately say thank you doesn't mean I didn't see it. But I still do appreciate the kind gesture (even if I know that it's only because you want some). After all, I don't see you running downstairs to unload the dishwasher while yelling THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! after I give you a bl.ow j.ob.
With much love and gratitude,
Your wife

Being Crapped On All Over

This morning, after my husband left, I got in the shower and when I came downstairs to get the kids ready to go, I noticed this strange smell. I have the nose of a bloodhound so I went around the house trying to sniff out whatever it was. And then I found it. The incredibly stupid dog that we have crapped all over my piano books and music. And not the kind of crap you can just pick up with a plastic bag and throw away. No, it had to be the runny, icky stuff that not only ruined most of my piano music, but also stained the carpet. There are two things I do that wind me down: read and play the piano. Thank you, you stupid, stupid dog for taking one of those things away from me. As if I haven't been crapped on enough lately.

On the Outside Looking In

When I was in high school. I had a group of girls that I was really good friends with. But the three of them lived real close together while I lived across town. There were so many times when I would ask What are we doing tonight? and the answer would be nothing, only to find out the next day that at last minute they decided to get together and go do something fun. I have never quite figured out why they just wouldn't call me up and wait for me to come along. I even had my own car and parents who didn't care what I did. I guess waiting an extra 15 minutes for me to get there is a long time to wait, after all.

Last Sunday, I was at church talking to a couple of (different) friends, 2 of which I am really close with. The three of them all live right close together too. One of them mentioned that they might get together and play games that night. I told my good friend to give me a call if they do because I am suppose to go have dinner with my in-laws - again - and need an excuse to get out of it; or at least leave early. She said that she would. I never got a call that night and just figured that they didn't decide to do it.

The next day, my good friend text me and said that she was thinking about me and asked if I'm doing okay. I nearly cried because I was so happy that she cared and frankly, things have not being going well at all lately. But being the idiot and guarded person that I am, I text back that I am hangin in there. Over an hour later, and still no response. Any hopes that I had that maybe I could talk to someone and have a friend to just listen to me, were dashed. Feeling confused, I just text her again and asked if she and the other girls played games the night before. She wrote back that they did, but it was just a spur of the moment thing. Over the course of the conversation, she said that they played this one game, twice, for several hours. I was hurt.

I felt like that poor, pathetic 16 year old girl again, sitting on her bed, knees up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, crying; wondering why I just can't be a part of the group. I know it sounds all insecure and like a pity party, but it's just how I felt. I really don't feel like I have ever really fit in with people. I do have a couple of really good friends and I thought one of them was this one girl so I am just confused as to why she won't just call me up and ask me to come on over. And come to find out, they get together quite a bit and play games and do stuff. Maybe it's because I live too far away. Two streets over is a long way to walk, after all.

It Turns Out, I'm Not a Crazy Person

Today, I was at my daughter's school who is going to summer school and I met a mom who has a son who also has ADHD and ODD. We talked forever! She totally understood what it is like to have a child who has the problems that ours do. She has felt and feels the same things about her son that I do about my daughter. We talked about what works, what drives us crazy, and what helps us to survive. I went home and cried again. But for different reasons this time. After that whole playgroup fiasco last week, I finally felt like maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all and that other moms who have to deal with this are going through the same thing. It felt nice to be understood and not judged. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone in the world.

I Really Hate Playgroups

I live in a close-knit community where everyone knows everyone and we all have a billion kids. And every one loves being a stay at home mom. Except for me. I've always been the odd man out. So some people decided to come up with an idea to do playgroup every week during the summer and take our kids someplace fun. At first I thought, Hey this isn't such a bad idea and it might be fun to get out of the house. So I went. Once. And all I could think was, "These women are so full of crap! No one is that happy to be a mom all the time."

I've never been one to sugar coat things; I prefer the truth and getting straight to the point. So I talked about how my daughter drives me out of my mind everyday - and how I hate summer and can't wait for school to start - and how desperately I want to get out of the house and get a job. And many of these women just looked at me like I was some kind of devil woman who doesn't love her kids very much. I went home and cried. And I hardly ever cry. I just felt like I didn't belong. I guess I am just an oddity who shouldn't be allowed to have children because I'm not as of good as a mom as these other people. I know it's a pity party, but it's just how I felt afterwards. I really don't think I'll be going back anytime soon.

Where's the Justice?

So I've mentioned my ADHD/ODD child who drives me berserk pretty much every day she's awake. It's even worse in the summer because there is nothing to keep her busy for long periods of time. But her favorite thing to do right now is play outside in the little pool and sprinklers. It's crazy hot here right now and so the other day I offered to put sunscreen on her. She replied, "I don't need it; it's not that hot." I figured, fine; let her learn the lesson of no sunscreen=really bad sunburn herself.

A few hours later, I offered again, "Are you sure you don't want on any sunscreen. You're gonna get a sunburn." Again, she quipped, "Mom, the sun is behind the clouds now. I don't need it!" Fine. You'll learn by the end of the day, I thought to myself.

By the end of the day, all she was, was tanned. On the other hand, the other kids that I completely slathered in sunscreen? Both got sunburned. Pretty bad. Is this karma's idea of a joke? Because I don't find it funny at all. All it did was prove, once again, that she is right and I am wrong. And that she knows everything. Karma can kiss my ass.

So Do I Have a Job or Not?

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to no longer be a stay at home mom and to go and get a job. But I didn't just want any job; I want a job that I wanted to do. It was a tough decision and I second guess it all the time, but I just feel like I am ready and need to get out of the house and do something more than "just" be a mom. I am so sick and tired of it; I don't enjoy it and I want something more from life than just being a slave, maid, chauffeur, cook, referee, etc, and not get paid for it.

I was lucky enough to find a company hiring in the field that I want to be in. A fairly big company that comes with a bunch of perks. So I applied. 2 weeks ago. And I still haven't heard anything back yet. It's driving me crazy. I REALLY want this job, more than anything right now and not knowing if I have it or not is very frustrating for me.

So I called the recruiting number today that I had to call after I put my application in online and was told by the nice man that if a senior recruiter wants me for the job, they will contact me. But if not, they will keep my application on file. FOR 6 MONTHS! And they could contact me at anytime during that 6 months and let me know that they want me. Are you freakin' kidding me!?! Am I just suppose to wait around for 6 months to see if they want me? It gets even more confusing because there is another job available in the same field that I could get, but it's not exactly what I want. But in order to get it, I would have to call in some favors and I'm not sure if I want to do that yet. And knowing my luck, I would do that and then get the call from this other company that they want me. I just really want this job so bad, I could cry. It's really too bad that patience isn't one of my virtues. Guess I just have to take a seat on the "Wait & See Train." I hate that train.