The V Word

I haven't written here in a while. I did end up going back to school at the local university and that has consumed much of my time. I hardly write on my regular blog either. But this is something that I just feel the need to anonymously blog about.

Last week, I got the mail and there was an envelope addressed to my husband. Doing what I always do, I opened it. And got quite the shock. Enclosed was information on the appointment my husband made - without telling me - to get a vasectomy next month. Now, let me set this up: he still wants another child; I don't - not even a little bit. I am done with having kids. Or so I thought. With this new information and him surprising me with it, my mind starting racing with thoughts like, "What if I do still want one, just later on? What if our family isn't complete and we should have another one?" This is so final (for the most part) which means that at the ripe ol' age of my (very) early 30's, I am never going to have another baby.

But I wrestle with the freedom that this also gives me. I will never again have to be pregnant - or even wonder if I am pregnant,or obsessively take dollar-store pregnancy tests. I won't have to think about staying home and nursing a baby, getting up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, or changing diapers. I won't have to worry about getting fat from being pregnant and trying to pretend that I love being pregnant when secretly I hate it more than anything in the world.

I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years now and with me going back to school and finally working on getting my degree, I am so anxious to get back into the work place and make money. That may sound greedy or superficial, but it's true: I like having the security of money and being able to buy things I want without feeling guilty about it. And I'm talking about $20 shoes from Payless Shoe Source, not Jimmy Choo shoes.

So this is it: I am done having children. And a part of me is sad about that. And that surprises me. Because, somehow I just know that if I did end up pregnant accidentally, I would loose it. Like, really loose it in every sense of the word. I don't like to even think about it - even doing that makes me start to feel a little anxious. So I guess there's my answer. And yet, there's still a part of me that's a little sad when I do think about it.

Going Back to School?

I am seriously thinking about going back to school. I am in my 30's with no real education; no bank-ability; no little abbreviated letters behind my name that say "I am worth something in the work world." But there is no money and I just hate going into debt for anything. Right now, we have a $3000 balance on a no interest credit card and it haunts me everyday.

I've thought about this intently for the past week and there are two things that really interest me: accounting and the travel industry. I would love to work for a travel agency, but a degree in accounting would give me more job possibilities. I would be okay with either one. The problem is that I would have to do online courses since going to school full-time isn't a possibility right now. And I am okay with that too.

I just worry. It's what I do. I worry about not liking the courses. I worry about making the wrong choice in my vocation. I worry about completing the program. I worry about getting overwhelmed and quitting the program. It's what I did 11 years ago when I was in school and engaged and working full time. I couldn't handle it and stopped going to school. It's still my biggest regret. I don't want to do that again, but now that I am a mom and have a household to run, and do the accounting for my husband's business, and volunteer, etc, etc, I worry that I am just going to get overwhelmed again and end up having to quit. One of my biggest faults is that I am easily overwhelmed. I can't handle a lot and get stressed out easily. I want to complete my schooling seeing how my kids are getting older and I am eventually going to have to get a job. I just worry about it all. It's what I do.

Decisions, Decisions

We have a choice to make and I'm not quite sure what to do. My husband just finished a job and we just got paid and we could either:

• 1) Be practical and save it (but where's the fun in that?);
• 2) Buy a used 4-wheeler (a life-long dream of my husband's);
• 3) Go on a cruise (which is something that I really want to do since our marriage is now on the mends and I want to start making new, good memories with him); or
• 4) Put it towards our credit card bill and cut that in half (ugh, again with the practicality).

It's not a whole bunch of money, but it not something that comes around very often. I'm leaning toward the cruise, but that only lasts a week whereas the 4-wheeler could be used for years to come. I just like to go on trips and escape my doldrum life. I'm selfish like that. But both of those things are wants, not needs. Saving for later or paying off the credit card is a need. It just doesn't seem as fun. And I like fun. And being unpractical sounds nice when all I ever am is practical.

Here's My List, Check it Twice

To my Dear Husband,
Will you please just do me a favor this year and just stick to the list that I give you? All I really want are some more scented candles (it helps to eradicate the stench you and the dog bring in after you go hunting - and it makes people think I actually cook), tickets to the show that is coming to town, and a new piano songbook. That's all. I don't need some big gift that "is going to make my life easier." Well, unless that thing is a maid. Or a Naked Chef. I hate having to act like what you got me, instead of what I really wanted, is some grand and fabulous thing that I couldn't live without. And that you are some great and manly man for coming up with this amazing gift. IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED! I don't mean to sound ungrateful; I just want simple things that I know I like. So please just do us both a favor and stick to the list.
--Your Wife
P.S. And I definitely don't need an avocado peeler so please just stop asking me if that's what I want.

I'm Offically the Grinch

Why is it that we are suppose to like Christmas. Frankly, it's my least favorite holiday of the year. Sure, there are good things that happen like kindness and gift-giving, but why can't that stuff happen in April or August. Christmas is just too much stress and pressure for me and I just don't like it. I'm the one who has to buy the presents for everyone: the kids; my family; his family. I'm the one who has to take care of the bills and the money. I'm the one who feels bad when I can only afford to get someone a $10 gift instead of a $20 one and I have to see their reaction of "Oh, how nice." I'm the one who has to wrap all of those dumb presents. I'm the one who has to write all of those blasted Christmas cards, address them, lick the nasty glue, and then mail them. I'm the one who has to come up with cute ideas to give to neighbors and then bake all that crap, which I really hate doing. It makes my kitchen messy and stresses me out. I just don't like any of it.

Why isn't it okay to not like Christmas? There are people who don't like Halloween and they don't get called names or looked down on. So what's the difference with Christmas? Why am I suppose to like doing all of this stuff when all I see it is as is a hassle and stressful? The only part I really like about Christmas is decorating the tree and seeing the kid's excitement when they open their few presents. Everything else is just a pain in my side that I just wish I could skip. I think I just might skip the cards and neighbor gifts this year. And I probably won't care one bit. Maybe, just maybe, my heart is 3 sizes too small.

Panic

My mom emailed me today. She said that due to medical problems - which she has a lot of - she is out of work and may be out of work for several months. She won't have any income either. So she asked if next month if she could come and visit. For a really long time. Or at least a couple of weeks. In my world, that is a really long time. Entirely too long. How in the world do I politely say, "Um, not a chance in the devil's lair." I like my mom. I like her 2 states, 1 layover, and over 800 miles away.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to go burn my house down so I have a legitimate excuse to say she can't come.

United Airlines is the Worst Airline

I am so unbelievably mad right now that I could just hit somebody. Preferably anyone who works at United Airlines. I had booked a ticket several months ago for a trip out East. It was a stellar deal and it only cost me $167 round trip with fees and everything. I was beyond excited. I was suppose to go this weekend, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I can't go. I checked the United website and it said that if you don't make your flight, the money spent for that flight is given as a credit to the next flight that you book. I figured that was fair and right and it made made feel better about not going.

So I called United to find out how it works to get my credit applied. After talking to the world's most illiterate computer for 15 minutes, I finally got to talk to a human. Who speaks English just about as well as a 2 week old baby. For the love, my little daughter speaks better than this person did. I could hardly understand what they were saying. But I did get the gist of what they were saying: Yes, I have $167 credit, BUT THEY CHARGE A $150 CHANGE FEE TO BOOK MY NEXT FLIGHT!!!! I am freakin' livid!!! So basically, I have a $17 credit. I can't even check a bag for that. Idiots.

And to put the giant pickle on the crap sandwich, I had booked it through Expedia and after contacting them, they informed me that they also charge a fee. Of $30. Perfect. So if I want to book a new flight using the $167 credit I already paid to United, it's gonna cost me $180. Tell me how that is fair!?!! I WILL NEVER BOOK A FLIGHT WITH UNITED AGAIN - no matter how cheap the airfare is. Uggghhhh, I need to go punch something.