My husband is such a blazing idiot. I so want to deck him right now. And over the stupidest thing too: his cell phone. But it's not just his cell phone, it's what a blazing idiot he is about the cell phone. Here's the deal: He goes through a new cell phone about every year and a half; he's hard on them. I get that by now and it's fine. So he broke his today and needed to go get a new one. I knew as soon as he said that that I was in trouble.
He went and bought a new one. A $250 new one!!!! And normally that wouldn't be a big deal. Except for the fact that I just told him the other day that we are $600 short this month and I don't know how we are going to pay for everything. And Christmas is coming up really fast and we have kids that actually like that holiday and want stuff. I really don't know how we are going to pay for it.
And to put the cherry on top, one of the offices that he works for dropped him this past week. (He is self-employed and works at several different businesses). That was $1000 that we are used to that is no longer going to be there every month. Chalk it up to the recession. That is a big hit to our finances. But apparently, he didn't get that message and went and spent half of our gasoline budget for a month on a stupid new cell phone.
To make it worse, he got the high end, super high tech one that has a full keyboard and can apparently do so many things that he just couldn't live without it. Too bad I can't program it to smack him upside his head. But here's the kicker: he doesn't even know how to text, nor does he even have an email address; he's not very technically inclined (as it is, he is over there on the couch trying to figure out how to use the fast forward button on the new remote to the DVD player). He said that he would just use my email address. Whatever, craphead. I really don't want to have to sift through all of your work crap to get to the good emails from my friends.
I know, I know, I can just set him up on his own account. But I'm not going to. You wanna know why? Not because I am the angry, evil bitch of a wife, but because he didn't want to have to pay extra to have internet service on the phone so he only has it free for one month because he "knows we don't have the money". As it stands, our cell phone bill is already over a hundred bucks a month. But he said that he would use it for that month. Well, there you go. That totally makes up for the $250 that we don't have. Idiot.
But secretly, I am glad that he didn't sign up for the internet service for one simple reason: porn. I am worried that if he has access to that that I don't have the ability to filter that he will become addicted to it again. And frankly, our marriage couldn't handle that level of mistrust again. It's still - and always - in the back of my mind. But that is a whole 'nother post for another day.
I just wish that he could see that we don't have that kind of money for that damn cell phone right now. Food and gas seem a little more important than a fancy schmancy phone, that basically is only really gonna do cool stuff - that you don't know how to use - for a month and then, you'll be stuck with just a regular ol' cell phone that just does boring stuff, like make phone calls. You know, he has lived with "just phone calls" for years and years now, it just seems asinine to drop all that money for the damn thing that he'll just break in a year and a half anyway.
Besides, that $250 could have easily paid for two months of the therapy that I sure as hell need more than ever now. But that isn't as important apparently as having a full keyboard and emailing for an entire month. He is such a blazing idiot.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I Wish
I have been having trouble lately and a friend of mine recommended a good therapist that she and her husband went and saw last year. I would like to go and see her and have someone to talk to in a safe environment and to have someone help me with what's going on in my life right now. But we don't have the money. Not even close to what it would cost to even see her once a month. And of course, our lousy insurance won't cover "mental health" issues. Great. So my heart is beating just fine, but my brain is going crazy. And there is nothing I can do to help it. It's not the kind of situation that I could just talk to my friends about; it's something much more personal than that or care to share with someone I know outside of a safe office. I want to go see a therapist to help me work through it; to get a professional, new perspective on it and give me ways to help solve it. But we are stuck in the land of "barely-making-it" and having an extra expense just isn't the best thing right now.
Besides, I think the idea of me going to a therapist is more than my husband can handle. I've always been able to solve problems on my own and able to survive and get by. But this is bothering me way too much and too difficult for me to solve on my own. So the fact that, if I do go, I would have to hide it from my husband - for at least a while until I feel safe and comfortable enough to tell him - is scary to me. I don't want to have to keep this kind of secret from him, but at the same time, I don't want to continue in pain and anguish and try to hide it from everyone. I guess either way I am keeping a secret from him; it's just easier to hide the pain and sorrow than it is to hide the credit card bill.
Besides, I think the idea of me going to a therapist is more than my husband can handle. I've always been able to solve problems on my own and able to survive and get by. But this is bothering me way too much and too difficult for me to solve on my own. So the fact that, if I do go, I would have to hide it from my husband - for at least a while until I feel safe and comfortable enough to tell him - is scary to me. I don't want to have to keep this kind of secret from him, but at the same time, I don't want to continue in pain and anguish and try to hide it from everyone. I guess either way I am keeping a secret from him; it's just easier to hide the pain and sorrow than it is to hide the credit card bill.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
What Do You Do?
What do you do when you are so angry with your child that you want to hurt them? I've blogged about my middle daughter before and how incredibly difficult she is and today is a day that it is taking every ounce of restrain to not lash out at her and make her feel as miserable as miserable as she is making me right now. I can't stand her right now and I wish that she wasn't my child. I think it's official: I win the "Worst Mother of the Year" award. I should just go ahead and make it the "Worst Mother of the Century;" it's that bad today. Bedtime cannot get here fast enough tonight. I wonder how bad it would be to just move the clocks ahead a few hours just so that it will get here faster. I just don't want to be a mother right now and am wondering why in the hell I had kids in the first place.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Job Search
Several months ago, I applied for two jobs at two different airlines because I really want to get free airfare and because I love planning out trips for people. I am on the waiting list for both of them, but was told if I don't hear anything by December, to reapply, if the job is relisted. So I have been waiting. And waiting. And have heard nothing yet. But I am still holding out hope that my number could come up and I could finally get a job that I really want.
During this time, I have talked with two people who work for the company and they have said they would see what they could find out. One lady that I met with even said that she knows one of the CEO's of the company. I thought, "Excellent!" I have since called this lady that I know twice and both times she has told me that she would find out and call me right back. She never has.
The other girl that works for this company is my husband's cousin. I talked with her recently and she said that she would call her supervisor and see if she could find out where my application is in the process. I waited for her to email me back. And she never did. So I emailed her last week. I still haven't heard anything back from her.
It makes me frustrated that these people say that they are going to help me out, but haven't. It would even be better if they just let me know they tried and couldn't find anything out. Even if they were lying.
Seeing how my husbands work is slowing down and wretched Christmas is coming up, I am starting to panic about money. I think that maybe I should go out and get a part time job since my youngest is at preschool now but I worry that once I do, one of these other jobs that I really want is going to become available. But at the same time, I also don't want to go out and just get a job that I am settling for. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years now and really want to do something that I want to do, not something that is just there. But the problem is that since I was stupid and got married so young and dropped out of college, I have no real job skills to do anything. Other than doing a $9 an hour airline job. But that's what I really want and don't care so much that it doesn't pay very much.
I'm also scared that I won't be very good at any job since I haven't had one in over 10 years. Failure scares the snot out of me so, as stupid as it sounds, I would rather not try something at all rather than try and fail.
There is also another job listed at a travel agency that I have considered that I think I would like. But again, I am worried that if I get it, the airline job would become available and I would much rather do that. And as sad and selfish as it sounds, working for the travel agency won't give me very many travel benefits and definitely not any free airfare which is a huge thing. It doesn't matter if I get free hotels in England if it costs me $1000 to get there.
I hate not knowing if there is a possibility that I could get a job with the airlines. It's holding me back from applying for other jobs that would at least bring in a paycheck. I just don't know what to do.
During this time, I have talked with two people who work for the company and they have said they would see what they could find out. One lady that I met with even said that she knows one of the CEO's of the company. I thought, "Excellent!" I have since called this lady that I know twice and both times she has told me that she would find out and call me right back. She never has.
The other girl that works for this company is my husband's cousin. I talked with her recently and she said that she would call her supervisor and see if she could find out where my application is in the process. I waited for her to email me back. And she never did. So I emailed her last week. I still haven't heard anything back from her.
It makes me frustrated that these people say that they are going to help me out, but haven't. It would even be better if they just let me know they tried and couldn't find anything out. Even if they were lying.
Seeing how my husbands work is slowing down and wretched Christmas is coming up, I am starting to panic about money. I think that maybe I should go out and get a part time job since my youngest is at preschool now but I worry that once I do, one of these other jobs that I really want is going to become available. But at the same time, I also don't want to go out and just get a job that I am settling for. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years now and really want to do something that I want to do, not something that is just there. But the problem is that since I was stupid and got married so young and dropped out of college, I have no real job skills to do anything. Other than doing a $9 an hour airline job. But that's what I really want and don't care so much that it doesn't pay very much.
I'm also scared that I won't be very good at any job since I haven't had one in over 10 years. Failure scares the snot out of me so, as stupid as it sounds, I would rather not try something at all rather than try and fail.
There is also another job listed at a travel agency that I have considered that I think I would like. But again, I am worried that if I get it, the airline job would become available and I would much rather do that. And as sad and selfish as it sounds, working for the travel agency won't give me very many travel benefits and definitely not any free airfare which is a huge thing. It doesn't matter if I get free hotels in England if it costs me $1000 to get there.
I hate not knowing if there is a possibility that I could get a job with the airlines. It's holding me back from applying for other jobs that would at least bring in a paycheck. I just don't know what to do.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Why Bother?
I'm not much of a great cook. I know that. But I can still put a meal together that is edible by most starving humans. Except for my own kids and husband. I try to do my mom-ly duties and make good, nutritious dinners, but there is always someone who doesn't like the cheese. Or the mushrooms. Or the green beans. Fine. Just pick that stuff out and eat it anyway. But they won't. They just turn their little noses up to it and will eat bread for dinner.
There are a few dishes that everyone likes, but that is rare. So I tend to make those things as much as possible. And do my best to ignore the comments of, "This again?" or "I'm so tired of having this." and remember that they are at least eating something.
At least once a week, I try to do everyone a favor by making something new. Nothing disgusting mind you like caviar or liver. But just something that I haven't made before. Only to be greeted with faces that looked like they just smelled a week old dead fish.
It makes me feel so good.
So I am starting to think, "Why bother? If no one likes what I make, or cares if I don't, then I save myself the hassle and disappointment and not cook at all." Then I feel guilty for not making dinner for my poor hungry kids.
I wonder how many days in a row you can feed your kids macaroni and cheese before it's considered child abuse?
There are a few dishes that everyone likes, but that is rare. So I tend to make those things as much as possible. And do my best to ignore the comments of, "This again?" or "I'm so tired of having this." and remember that they are at least eating something.
At least once a week, I try to do everyone a favor by making something new. Nothing disgusting mind you like caviar or liver. But just something that I haven't made before. Only to be greeted with faces that looked like they just smelled a week old dead fish.
It makes me feel so good.
So I am starting to think, "Why bother? If no one likes what I make, or cares if I don't, then I save myself the hassle and disappointment and not cook at all." Then I feel guilty for not making dinner for my poor hungry kids.
I wonder how many days in a row you can feed your kids macaroni and cheese before it's considered child abuse?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Emotions of a Grown-Up Mom
I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place so bear with me. This just isn't something that I could post on my regular blog; I don't need all of my friends and family knowing I'm a crazy person.
My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.
I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.
I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.
I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.
And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.
My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.
I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.
I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.
I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.
And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Good Influence or Getting into Trouble
There's this kid in our neighborhood who makes my difficult ADHD/ODD child look like an angel. I'll call him "Chris." He is so awful that while I was gone on a trip, he took my other daughter's favorite -and rather sad- little blanket and ripped it in two. All I could say was that it was a good thing that I was on another continent when that happened because I would've fried him.
The thing is is that he is friends with my son. My son could be classified as a "good kid' - does what he is asked, never much of a problem maker, does his homework and chores without complaint; things like that. I really can't stand it when "Chris" comes over to play but sometimes, my son has no one else to play with and they tend to have fun together. But he is a bad influence and does naughty things that my son would never come up with on his own. I wish my son wouldn't play with him.
My husband thinks that I should let them play together because he thinks that my son could be a good influence on "Chris." That's all fine and good, but I am more worried about "Chris" being a bad influence on my son - especially as they get older. There have been a few times already when my son has come back from playing and told me that "Chris" did this and this, but he didn't do it; he just stood back. I'm worried about the day when my son gives into peer pressure and wants to fit in and this is the type of kid he fits in with. I don't want my son to end up anything like this kid because he is on a slippery slope that just ends in muck.
But at the same time, I don't know how to tell "Chris" to not come around anymore and not play with my son because then I just come off as the snooty mom who won't let her kid play with anyone. And my son is sad that he has no one to play with. I'd really like to think that my son would be the better influence and keep "Chris" out of trouble, but I just don't see that happening. I see it the other way around and it worries me.
The thing is is that he is friends with my son. My son could be classified as a "good kid' - does what he is asked, never much of a problem maker, does his homework and chores without complaint; things like that. I really can't stand it when "Chris" comes over to play but sometimes, my son has no one else to play with and they tend to have fun together. But he is a bad influence and does naughty things that my son would never come up with on his own. I wish my son wouldn't play with him.
My husband thinks that I should let them play together because he thinks that my son could be a good influence on "Chris." That's all fine and good, but I am more worried about "Chris" being a bad influence on my son - especially as they get older. There have been a few times already when my son has come back from playing and told me that "Chris" did this and this, but he didn't do it; he just stood back. I'm worried about the day when my son gives into peer pressure and wants to fit in and this is the type of kid he fits in with. I don't want my son to end up anything like this kid because he is on a slippery slope that just ends in muck.
But at the same time, I don't know how to tell "Chris" to not come around anymore and not play with my son because then I just come off as the snooty mom who won't let her kid play with anyone. And my son is sad that he has no one to play with. I'd really like to think that my son would be the better influence and keep "Chris" out of trouble, but I just don't see that happening. I see it the other way around and it worries me.
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