I Really Hate Playgroups

I live in a close-knit community where everyone knows everyone and we all have a billion kids. And every one loves being a stay at home mom. Except for me. I've always been the odd man out. So some people decided to come up with an idea to do playgroup every week during the summer and take our kids someplace fun. At first I thought, Hey this isn't such a bad idea and it might be fun to get out of the house. So I went. Once. And all I could think was, "These women are so full of crap! No one is that happy to be a mom all the time."

I've never been one to sugar coat things; I prefer the truth and getting straight to the point. So I talked about how my daughter drives me out of my mind everyday - and how I hate summer and can't wait for school to start - and how desperately I want to get out of the house and get a job. And many of these women just looked at me like I was some kind of devil woman who doesn't love her kids very much. I went home and cried. And I hardly ever cry. I just felt like I didn't belong. I guess I am just an oddity who shouldn't be allowed to have children because I'm not as of good as a mom as these other people. I know it's a pity party, but it's just how I felt afterwards. I really don't think I'll be going back anytime soon.

Where's the Justice?

So I've mentioned my ADHD/ODD child who drives me berserk pretty much every day she's awake. It's even worse in the summer because there is nothing to keep her busy for long periods of time. But her favorite thing to do right now is play outside in the little pool and sprinklers. It's crazy hot here right now and so the other day I offered to put sunscreen on her. She replied, "I don't need it; it's not that hot." I figured, fine; let her learn the lesson of no sunscreen=really bad sunburn herself.

A few hours later, I offered again, "Are you sure you don't want on any sunscreen. You're gonna get a sunburn." Again, she quipped, "Mom, the sun is behind the clouds now. I don't need it!" Fine. You'll learn by the end of the day, I thought to myself.

By the end of the day, all she was, was tanned. On the other hand, the other kids that I completely slathered in sunscreen? Both got sunburned. Pretty bad. Is this karma's idea of a joke? Because I don't find it funny at all. All it did was prove, once again, that she is right and I am wrong. And that she knows everything. Karma can kiss my ass.

So Do I Have a Job or Not?

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to no longer be a stay at home mom and to go and get a job. But I didn't just want any job; I want a job that I wanted to do. It was a tough decision and I second guess it all the time, but I just feel like I am ready and need to get out of the house and do something more than "just" be a mom. I am so sick and tired of it; I don't enjoy it and I want something more from life than just being a slave, maid, chauffeur, cook, referee, etc, and not get paid for it.

I was lucky enough to find a company hiring in the field that I want to be in. A fairly big company that comes with a bunch of perks. So I applied. 2 weeks ago. And I still haven't heard anything back yet. It's driving me crazy. I REALLY want this job, more than anything right now and not knowing if I have it or not is very frustrating for me.

So I called the recruiting number today that I had to call after I put my application in online and was told by the nice man that if a senior recruiter wants me for the job, they will contact me. But if not, they will keep my application on file. FOR 6 MONTHS! And they could contact me at anytime during that 6 months and let me know that they want me. Are you freakin' kidding me!?! Am I just suppose to wait around for 6 months to see if they want me? It gets even more confusing because there is another job available in the same field that I could get, but it's not exactly what I want. But in order to get it, I would have to call in some favors and I'm not sure if I want to do that yet. And knowing my luck, I would do that and then get the call from this other company that they want me. I just really want this job so bad, I could cry. It's really too bad that patience isn't one of my virtues. Guess I just have to take a seat on the "Wait & See Train." I hate that train.

My ADHD/ODD Child

I'm sitting here in tears writing this. I think that I may just win the Worst Mom of the Year award. The reason being, I have this daughter who I just can't stand. She makes me so mad. And over the top angry. And guilty. And like I am the worst mom to have ever lived. And she's only 8. She has ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder-basically she disagrees with everything no matter what. Like I'll say "You're shirt in on backwards" - "no it's not"; "You need to clean your room - "No I don't"; "The sky is blue" - "No it isn't." You get the idea...). It is the worst thing a kid can have. At least if it were diabetes I could just give her a shot and send her on her way instead of hating her every minute of everyday. She makes my life a living hell and makes me wish that I never had kids. I don't like being her mom and don't know what to do about it.

I always believed that home was where your kids could come and no matter what happened in the outside world, they would be loved here. But I feel like I am failing her. I get mad at her and yell at her first thing in the morning and it lasts pretty much all day because she does such stupid, stupid things. It makes me wonder if I have even taught her at all to be a good person and make good choices. This morning, she bit a hole in her school pants just so she could wear them out to play. Brand new school pants that I just bought a couple of months ago nonetheless. Who does that!?! What the hell is she thinking!?! So, being the fantastic mom that I am, I made her go and change her pants and then sent her out to play just so I wouldn't have to be around her.

I want to love her so bad; I want to see the good in her; I want to be a good mom for her and have her know that I love her. But I just don't think I am doing a very good job of any of that. She just makes it so difficult to love her and see the good in her. And all I can think now is, How the frick am I going to last another 2 months of this until school starts? It's like this every summer. At least with school, she's being kept busy for a good part of the day. I do have her in a couple of summer activities, but they don't last near as long as school does. So she is home doing ridiculously dumb things and defying everything I say to her. It honestly takes every ounce of energy I have to not beat her. Isn't that just awful? What kind of mom am I? I don't know what to do with her or about her. And I just don't know what to do so that she knows that she is loved by someone in this world.

Apparently, the Thought Doesn't Count

My husband is driving me crazy and can be such an ungrateful little shrew sometimes. Yesterday was Father's Day and I told him that I wanted to get him a bbq (to go with our half done backyard). He said that he would rather wait and get a "really nice one" that he can build out of bricks. I tried my damnest to not roll my eyes and let out a big sigh, but I just couldn't stop it from coming out. He was offended and was like, "What!?!" Now I was in for it. I told him that maybe we could just get one that will work just fine that isn't all elaborate and amazing, and I'm not really ready for him to start another project (check out my earlier post on things being half done for the reason why). He said, "Fine. But can I go with you to pick it out?"

Now, being the smart woman that I am, of course I saw this as, "I want to make sure I get what I want and not what you pick out." Don't think I'm crazy; I've been married to this man for years and know what he really means.

So yesterday for Father's Day, he got nothing.

His birthday is next week and I was trying to surprise him because I know he really wants a gps. Being the dork that I am, I mentioned how much I am going to spend on his present and he said, "You're getting me a gps, aren't you?" I said yes. But that's all; he doesn't know what kind or anything. What he didn't know was that I researched these things out, talked to people, looked things up online and spent a lot of time to make sure I get the one that he wants within the price that we could afford.

This morning, he said to me, " Maybe you should wait to get the gps so we can save up for one because I want a really nice one." He has no idea which one I am getting him or how nice it is!!!! He just assumes that it's not nice enough or that i don't know anything about it. Jerk. He always wants the more expensive one; the nicer one; the better one. Of course there are going to be nicer ones out there, but we can't afford a $400 one right now. Even as it is, I'm spending more than we really have because I know that he wants one so bad. But apparently, that's not good enough. I just don't see the point in spending $400 on one with all the extra bells and whistles that he doesn't need when a cheaper one will do the job just fine. Next year, I'm just going to give him a candy bar.

Get Out Of My Pantry

Maybe it's because I'm excessively tired today. Maybe it's because I'm overly stressed about the whole doctor thing. Maybe it's because the cost of food has risen so much in the last little while that it stresses me out to go shopping. Maybe it's because I hate going to the grocery store and the last time I took all of my kids there, my son rammed my daughter's head into an end cap and we left the store in a gush of blood and no groceries. Maybe it's because I grew up poor and didn't always have the food that I wanted. But whatever it is, I am so sick and tired and incredibly annoyed that all of these neighborhood kids keep coming over and raiding my pantry and fridge like mutant, bulimic termites. I am not the neighborhood All-In-One-Food Stop. I don't mind giving out an Otter Pop or a handful of crackers here and there - I'd like to not think of myself as Food Nazi. But c'mon, you snot-nosed rotten little kids: quit coming over here and asking for food. Or worse, not asking and just helping yourself to it like it's your own damn house. If you're that hungry, go tell someone who cares - like Child Protective Services. Heaven help me when they all turn teenagers. I seriously need to go lay down now....

Back from the Doctor's

So I feel bad for baggin' all over my doctor; he really is a good guy and it's not his fault the office closes at 4:00pm - I know that he is there dealing with out-of-control hormonal women way past 4:00, not to mention those annoying women who have their babies at 3:00am (yep, that'd be me with all my kids). I called and told the receptionist the problem and she got me in that same day. But I did have to wait for over an hour and a half to actually see the doctor - mainly because of one annoying woman who decided to have her baby right in the middle of the day. Not that I really minded though; that was the most amount of peace and quiet I've had in days.

He felt around a bit on my boobs and said that there is something definitely there, but he's not quite sure what it is. He doesn't think that it's cancer, but just to be sure, I have a mammogram scheduled - in two freakin' weeks!!! That's the soonest the scheduling department could get me in. But they said to call every couple of days to see if there has been a cancellation. Would it be wrong to pretend that I heard, "Every couple of hours" and call every day, cuz I don't know if I'll last that long. I hope my boob doesn't fall off before then because man alive, it's hurting more and more each day.

I am nervous and a little scared of what's going on and just want to know what it is so that it can be taken care of. You wanna know what I am most worried about though? Not having it be cancer, but if it is cancer, loosing my hair because I've got awesome hair; it's my thing. It's really the only thing that I really like about my looks.

And is it weird that I was a little turned on by the doctor copping a feel all over my boob. Because my doctor is hot! That is seriously the most amount of action and passion that I've had in weeks. Why couldn't of I had an uh-go for a doctor...?

And just to make me feel better about the whole situation: