I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place so bear with me. This just isn't something that I could post on my regular blog; I don't need all of my friends and family knowing I'm a crazy person.
My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.
I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.
I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.
I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.
And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.
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3 comments:
I really, really feel you.
I am the youngest in my family.. aka the favorite child. And let me tell you, she will so appreciate that you were willing to go insane for her. My mom and I are STILL great buds and I'm now raising my own kidlets and trying desparately to hold onto my sanity as well.
I don't think anyone feels like they have done enough for their kids. We all do what we can, and that's all we can do. It's an endurance test not a sprint... though sometimes I see a mom sprinting and think "wow, I wish I were her" but I have to remind myself that she will probably crash sooner than later.
Hang in there, it will be ok.
The person you want to be is usually pretty close to the person you are. I truly believe that the guilt you are feeling, the inadequacy you attribute to your mothering....is there because you have incredibly high standards, you CARE about the job you are doing and want to be the best. No Mom is perfect....not even close, and frankly those overly-confident mothers kind of creep me out.
ps. and my third child is SO my favorite...he always makes me laugh and is such a sweetie; I want him to live with me forever (and he's 17... how weird is that?)
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