Emotions of a Grown-Up Mom

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place so bear with me. This just isn't something that I could post on my regular blog; I don't need all of my friends and family knowing I'm a crazy person.

My youngest child will start preschool in a few weeks and I don't want her to go. She is my favorite child. She is the child that makes being a mom all worth while. She makes me happy. And now she is going to be going off to preschool and it just breaks my heart. It's just preschool though!!! Only 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I can survive without her right? No. She is the light in my life and I want to be selfish and keep her with me. I actually considered only sending her 2 days a week just so that she would be with me longer. But she wants to go so bad and is incredibly excited that sometimes I think her little 4 year old body is going to burst. But I am selfish and want her with me. I don't want her to go. I don't want to be alone. What will I do without her around to make me smile? I already have anxiety about her going and about being alone. And Heaven help me when she goes to kindergarten next year. Then she is going to be gone everyday. And I will probably crumble in a heap of utter and complete sadness.

I was more than happy to send the other kids off to school yesterday. I love them, but I love it when they go to school. My house is clean and quiet and I don't have to listen to SpongeBob all day long. Nor incessant sibling fighting. I just want my little one around. Sometimes I think about having another baby. Then I remember that I really don't like babies. And I am a beast when I am pregnant. Even my husband doesn't like me, understandably so, when I am pregnant. I don't blame him. I don't even like me when I am pregnant. I don't want to get fat again. Or breastfeed. Or be tied down to a kid that I feel inadequate to raise. I want to do things: go places, go back to school. I just want to do them with my littlest. She makes me that happy. I don't think I know how to be alone. I mean really alone.

I got sad when I sent my kids to school yesterday, not because I was so to see them go; so happy to see them go that I whooped and yelled all the way home after dropping them off. Right after I cried. They are growing up. And I feel like a failure. I don't think I have done enough for them. Spent enough time with them. Done enough to let them know how much I really love them and how much I love being their mom. Even though I hate being a mom most of the time and want to get out of the house and get a job. Which I probably would fail at anyway. Just like everything else I attempt to do. I don't think I am any good at anything. Especially at being a mom.

I woke up yesterday and realized that my oldest is going to be hitting double digits this year. And I haven't done enough to raise him. Any of them. And they are slipping away from me faster than I can make it stop. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to feel.

I don't know how to express my feelings to anyone except this anonymous blog. I can't let anyone that I know in real life see me like this. I am stronger than this. Or at least I thought I was. I'm actually a mess that no one knows about. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. This facade that I am really a put together person; that I am happy being a stay at home mom; that I don't have demons that haunt me. I have never been good at expressing feelings. It has taken years for my husband to crack that wall. And even then, I still hide a lot of stuff. Like what I am feeling right now about the kids. I don't let people in; it's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt. And yet, I am hurting and sad. But I still can't let anyone in. I don't know how. Another failure. Just add it to my list.

And all of this because my little girl is going to preschool.

Good Influence or Getting into Trouble

There's this kid in our neighborhood who makes my difficult ADHD/ODD child look like an angel. I'll call him "Chris." He is so awful that while I was gone on a trip, he took my other daughter's favorite -and rather sad- little blanket and ripped it in two. All I could say was that it was a good thing that I was on another continent when that happened because I would've fried him.

The thing is is that he is friends with my son. My son could be classified as a "good kid' - does what he is asked, never much of a problem maker, does his homework and chores without complaint; things like that. I really can't stand it when "Chris" comes over to play but sometimes, my son has no one else to play with and they tend to have fun together. But he is a bad influence and does naughty things that my son would never come up with on his own. I wish my son wouldn't play with him.

My husband thinks that I should let them play together because he thinks that my son could be a good influence on "Chris." That's all fine and good, but I am more worried about "Chris" being a bad influence on my son - especially as they get older. There have been a few times already when my son has come back from playing and told me that "Chris" did this and this, but he didn't do it; he just stood back. I'm worried about the day when my son gives into peer pressure and wants to fit in and this is the type of kid he fits in with. I don't want my son to end up anything like this kid because he is on a slippery slope that just ends in muck.

But at the same time, I don't know how to tell "Chris" to not come around anymore and not play with my son because then I just come off as the snooty mom who won't let her kid play with anyone. And my son is sad that he has no one to play with. I'd really like to think that my son would be the better influence and keep "Chris" out of trouble, but I just don't see that happening. I see it the other way around and it worries me.

Come and Get Her!

When I agree to let your obnoxious, whiny kid come over and play with my kid for a few hours and I say "Pick her up around 3:00 or 3:30," I mean closer to 3:00, not 4:15!!!!!

Here's some money. Go buy a watch. Or at least a clock.

And for future reference, if you're gonna leave her this long so you can do "just one more errand," I charge a babysitting fee of $5 an hour.

I J D G I!

I am quite tired of people who have the insatiable desire to shorten everything down to just letters. And I'm suppose to be on the same wavelength to try and decipher whatever the hell it means. I Just Don't Get It! Use words for heaven's sake!

I'm a regular person, not a Code Talker. Nor am I 16.

Or a psychic.

Or a mind reader.

If I were, I would totally use my special powers for other things than deciphering a lazy persons puzzles. Like when the next terrorist attack is going to be.

Or what was my husband thinking when he bought that Hawaiian shirt? He's just much too white - and blond - to pull that off.

I can tolerate the whole, "When R U going 2 B here?" abbreviation thing. But not, ICW2SYT (I can't wait to see you tomorrow). I'm much too old and impatient to sit there and try and figure out what the crap they are talking about. No wonder why teenagers are getting dumber and dumber. None of them know how to spell anymore.

And don't even get me started on punctuation.

Do You Remember Being in Love?

I went to a wedding this weekend. My husband couldn't come because he had to work. So I sat there, alone, with my kids, just feeling lonely and sad. Here was this brand new husband and wife so in love with stars in their eyes, surrounded by other people so in love.

I still love my husband, but I am having a hard time feeling like I am in love with him. Does that make any sense? I miss that twiterpatted, can't keep your hands off of each other, I-miss-you-so-much-when-are-you-going-to-be-home? feeling.

Now, I much prefer him working late just so I can have a few moments of peace without any pressure of having to put out tonight.

I miss the days of just walking hand in hand talking about nothing, but just happy to be next to him. Or falling asleep in his arms watching a movie at home. Or waking up just a couple of minutes before he does just to look at him and how handsome he is.

I don't feel any of that anymore. I can't remember what it is like to just be in love with someone. Is this it? Did I fall in love with him and now fallen out of love with him? I don't want that. The thing is, is that he is still so amazing and kind and wonderful to me that he is the kind of guy that I would fall in love with if I had just met him. But I just feel bored with him; uninspired and no type of romantic love.

I want to be in love with him again. I really do. I want to feel all of these things with him again - not someone else. Honestly, I don't think I could find someone as great as he is. I am very difficult person and he still loves me despite all of that. But how do I make myself feel those things again? How do you fall back in love?

I'm Mad at Them. Whoever They Are

I know it's the same gripe that everyone in America has, but I am so incredibly angry and frustrated at those people who keep raising the gas prices. I don't even really know who those people are: the Saudi Arabians, the Argentines, President Bush, the Oil Companies? I don't know and I don't care; I just hate them. I hate the fact that they are making money on my stress. Because of their insatiable desire to piss off everyone in America, we've had to cancel our trip to Disneyland later this year with my kids. I can't run down to visit my friend in a neighboring state. My brother can't fly out to visit. We can't even take our weekend trips to our cabin that we used to take at least once or twice a month. I even worry about taking our kids out for fun adventures if it's more than a 15 minute drive to get there. The extra money to fill the stupid car is taking away from taking my kids out to fun places. How am I suppose to entertain my kids everyday at home during the summer? I just don't know how. I feel trapped by my home because we can't afford to go anywhere. I constantly worry about money now and how am I going to pay for gas in the car or afford food for the kids. I hate, hate, HATE them for doing this to us. Whoever they are. I hope all of their money catches on fire and they burn in it.

You wanna know what pisses me off: Don't give me all of this crap about there being a short supply. You couldn't see this coming? If the supply was so short, why didn't they start years ago with ways to conserve gas (driving 55 mph. Yea right. Like I really want to spend any extra time listening to my kids fight). Or now, there is a 10 month wait to get a Prius Hybrid. No one could see this coming and they couldn't offer these types of cars 2 years ago? All of a sudden, within the past 8 or so months, it's been, 'Oh crap, we're running out of oil so let's screw everyone over by raising the price so much so that no one can afford to drive.' Yeah, that's a great way to conserve the supply. And besides, I know that I have completely changed the way and how often I drive - and I know I'm not the only one - so shouldn't that affect the supply to at least bring down the gas prices a little. Please. You people are so full of crap, your eyes are brown. I hate, hate, HATE THEM. Whoever they are.

Stuck in a Moment

Do you ever just feel stuck in your life and don't know how to get out of it? I am sick of being a stay at home mom but am too stupid to go out and get a good job. I don't like the way I look but don't know how to change that. Bored with my husband; annoyed with my kids. Tired of these same four walls that I am boxed in everyday; nothing to look forward to. Nothing for me that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. How do you find happiness in the same ol' stuff day in and day out? Nothing on the outside is going to change, so how do I change how I feel on the inside about the stuff on the outside?