My ADHD/ODD Child

I'm sitting here in tears writing this. I think that I may just win the Worst Mom of the Year award. The reason being, I have this daughter who I just can't stand. She makes me so mad. And over the top angry. And guilty. And like I am the worst mom to have ever lived. And she's only 8. She has ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder-basically she disagrees with everything no matter what. Like I'll say "You're shirt in on backwards" - "no it's not"; "You need to clean your room - "No I don't"; "The sky is blue" - "No it isn't." You get the idea...). It is the worst thing a kid can have. At least if it were diabetes I could just give her a shot and send her on her way instead of hating her every minute of everyday. She makes my life a living hell and makes me wish that I never had kids. I don't like being her mom and don't know what to do about it.

I always believed that home was where your kids could come and no matter what happened in the outside world, they would be loved here. But I feel like I am failing her. I get mad at her and yell at her first thing in the morning and it lasts pretty much all day because she does such stupid, stupid things. It makes me wonder if I have even taught her at all to be a good person and make good choices. This morning, she bit a hole in her school pants just so she could wear them out to play. Brand new school pants that I just bought a couple of months ago nonetheless. Who does that!?! What the hell is she thinking!?! So, being the fantastic mom that I am, I made her go and change her pants and then sent her out to play just so I wouldn't have to be around her.

I want to love her so bad; I want to see the good in her; I want to be a good mom for her and have her know that I love her. But I just don't think I am doing a very good job of any of that. She just makes it so difficult to love her and see the good in her. And all I can think now is, How the frick am I going to last another 2 months of this until school starts? It's like this every summer. At least with school, she's being kept busy for a good part of the day. I do have her in a couple of summer activities, but they don't last near as long as school does. So she is home doing ridiculously dumb things and defying everything I say to her. It honestly takes every ounce of energy I have to not beat her. Isn't that just awful? What kind of mom am I? I don't know what to do with her or about her. And I just don't know what to do so that she knows that she is loved by someone in this world.

Apparently, the Thought Doesn't Count

My husband is driving me crazy and can be such an ungrateful little shrew sometimes. Yesterday was Father's Day and I told him that I wanted to get him a bbq (to go with our half done backyard). He said that he would rather wait and get a "really nice one" that he can build out of bricks. I tried my damnest to not roll my eyes and let out a big sigh, but I just couldn't stop it from coming out. He was offended and was like, "What!?!" Now I was in for it. I told him that maybe we could just get one that will work just fine that isn't all elaborate and amazing, and I'm not really ready for him to start another project (check out my earlier post on things being half done for the reason why). He said, "Fine. But can I go with you to pick it out?"

Now, being the smart woman that I am, of course I saw this as, "I want to make sure I get what I want and not what you pick out." Don't think I'm crazy; I've been married to this man for years and know what he really means.

So yesterday for Father's Day, he got nothing.

His birthday is next week and I was trying to surprise him because I know he really wants a gps. Being the dork that I am, I mentioned how much I am going to spend on his present and he said, "You're getting me a gps, aren't you?" I said yes. But that's all; he doesn't know what kind or anything. What he didn't know was that I researched these things out, talked to people, looked things up online and spent a lot of time to make sure I get the one that he wants within the price that we could afford.

This morning, he said to me, " Maybe you should wait to get the gps so we can save up for one because I want a really nice one." He has no idea which one I am getting him or how nice it is!!!! He just assumes that it's not nice enough or that i don't know anything about it. Jerk. He always wants the more expensive one; the nicer one; the better one. Of course there are going to be nicer ones out there, but we can't afford a $400 one right now. Even as it is, I'm spending more than we really have because I know that he wants one so bad. But apparently, that's not good enough. I just don't see the point in spending $400 on one with all the extra bells and whistles that he doesn't need when a cheaper one will do the job just fine. Next year, I'm just going to give him a candy bar.

Get Out Of My Pantry

Maybe it's because I'm excessively tired today. Maybe it's because I'm overly stressed about the whole doctor thing. Maybe it's because the cost of food has risen so much in the last little while that it stresses me out to go shopping. Maybe it's because I hate going to the grocery store and the last time I took all of my kids there, my son rammed my daughter's head into an end cap and we left the store in a gush of blood and no groceries. Maybe it's because I grew up poor and didn't always have the food that I wanted. But whatever it is, I am so sick and tired and incredibly annoyed that all of these neighborhood kids keep coming over and raiding my pantry and fridge like mutant, bulimic termites. I am not the neighborhood All-In-One-Food Stop. I don't mind giving out an Otter Pop or a handful of crackers here and there - I'd like to not think of myself as Food Nazi. But c'mon, you snot-nosed rotten little kids: quit coming over here and asking for food. Or worse, not asking and just helping yourself to it like it's your own damn house. If you're that hungry, go tell someone who cares - like Child Protective Services. Heaven help me when they all turn teenagers. I seriously need to go lay down now....

Back from the Doctor's

So I feel bad for baggin' all over my doctor; he really is a good guy and it's not his fault the office closes at 4:00pm - I know that he is there dealing with out-of-control hormonal women way past 4:00, not to mention those annoying women who have their babies at 3:00am (yep, that'd be me with all my kids). I called and told the receptionist the problem and she got me in that same day. But I did have to wait for over an hour and a half to actually see the doctor - mainly because of one annoying woman who decided to have her baby right in the middle of the day. Not that I really minded though; that was the most amount of peace and quiet I've had in days.

He felt around a bit on my boobs and said that there is something definitely there, but he's not quite sure what it is. He doesn't think that it's cancer, but just to be sure, I have a mammogram scheduled - in two freakin' weeks!!! That's the soonest the scheduling department could get me in. But they said to call every couple of days to see if there has been a cancellation. Would it be wrong to pretend that I heard, "Every couple of hours" and call every day, cuz I don't know if I'll last that long. I hope my boob doesn't fall off before then because man alive, it's hurting more and more each day.

I am nervous and a little scared of what's going on and just want to know what it is so that it can be taken care of. You wanna know what I am most worried about though? Not having it be cancer, but if it is cancer, loosing my hair because I've got awesome hair; it's my thing. It's really the only thing that I really like about my looks.

And is it weird that I was a little turned on by the doctor copping a feel all over my boob. Because my doctor is hot! That is seriously the most amount of action and passion that I've had in weeks. Why couldn't of I had an uh-go for a doctor...?

And just to make me feel better about the whole situation:

I Hate Doctors

So my breast is still bothering me and now the pain is going up under my armpit so I am starting to get a little concerned. I HATE going to the doctor because I always just think that it's nothing and that it will go away. But the pain is getting worse and it may just be my imagination, but is still feeling lumpier than usual. So I decided to bite the bullet and call the doctor to make the appointment. But it took me all day to come to this conclusion. It was 4:05 and I made the call to the doctor and has my good friend Karma would have it, the damn place closed at 4:00 (it used to close 4:30 so I thought I was safe). Who the hell closes at 4:00 in the afternoon!?! Stupid, rich OBGYNs. The least they could do is keep the stupid scheduling department open to help poor pathetic people like me who wait until the last minute to call. So now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to call. And I have to get up the courage again . At least this time, I won't wait until friggin' 4:05.

Does anyone know if these are normal symptoms of breast cancer or am I getting worked up for nothing? It's in the back of my mind that maybe it's that - but if it is, I'm gonna kick cancer in the ass - but at the same time, what if I'm freaked out for nothing and it's something dumb like a clogged duct; even though I haven't breastfed in 3 years. I just hope I don't have to wait 2 weeks to get in for an appointment with the doctor cuz the pain is just getting worse. And a part of me is a little scared. but please don't tell my husband that though.

The Go-To Person

I've been going through a rough time lately and don't know quite how to deal with it. I am really hating being a stay at home mom; I'm sick of my husband; and in general, I'm disappointed with the life I have chosen for myself. Not that the grass is greener on the other side (not married and/or working), mind you but as it is, I just don't like where my life is right now and want something different. I'm burned out with the kids and the house and just want something more that what I have. I just don't know what that is. But the real problem I am having is that I feel like I've got no one to talk to about it. I always feel like I am the "go-to" friend that everyone comes to when they need something or want to talk. And now that I'm the one who needs that friend to understand and help out, no one seems to notice or have time. It's like standing in a crowded room screaming and no one is noticing me. It's just the same as being a room alone. And that's quite how I feel right now: alone. And yet, I still have to be there for them. It's what I do and what they have come to expect. I've never really minded until now.

Going Halfway

My husband is amazing. He can do so many things and likes to do projects around the house. But I am starting to get a little frustrated over the fact that he can't actually finish a project before he goes on to the next one. At this moment, our tile is half done, the new baseboard is half done, the fence in only half fixed, the framing for the cement that he wants to lay is only half done, and my flower boxes are only half made. It's driving me crazy. I love you dear and I know you like to fix things around the house. But for the love, will you please just finish something before you start on something else!?! I feel like I live in a white trash house because of all these little messes of half done projects around the house. Nothing is complete and looking nice, but it almost is. This isn't horseshoes; that doesn't count. I know he gets tired and works hard and gets burned out, but maybe that wouldn't happen so much if he would actually finish a project first before moving on to the next one. Maybe he has ADD or something. Either way, I just want my house to be finished and looking nice since I'm stuck here all day long having to look at these messes that I'm not allowed to touch or "mess up."